Flawed

The last time I wrote about Shaandar, I spoke about the character played by newcomer Sannah Kapoor. She was a "fat" girl, who was mocked because of it and who had no plans of bringing her weight down. There is a lot of fat shaming in the movie and of course, there are characters in the movie who tell Sannah (whatever her on-screen name was) that it is okay to be fat. In one scene, her mother brings her a three-tiered plate full of chocolates and asks her to finish it. Now this girl, who is also a would-be bride, is totally comfortable being how she is. And maybe that's what made her so endearing. But there are a whole lot of girls who are fat shamed and not all of them are okay with it.

Being "beautiful" was a cruel but simple concept up until now.Put together fair, thin and sharp features and you have got a gorgeous girl! These days, however, I come across a lot of words like "body-positivity" and "being comfortable in one's own skin". It is a good movement. It is definitely a revolution and it will be a long time, a really really long time before people change their perception of what "beautiful" is. But before we start accepting a rather wider definition or an ambiguous explanation of what beauty is, I hope people stop being hypocritical about it. Here is why I say so.

Dum laga ke haisha was an unexpectedly sweet release this year. It spoke of a girl called Sandhya who is over-weight. But she is smart, funny, feisty and talented. She gets married to a guy who agrees to the alliance under family pressure but is not happy with it, obviously because his wife is "fat". Watch the movie if you still haven't. But here's the deal. The girl playing Sandhya, actress Bhumi Penderkar, is now thinner -- way thinner than what she was in the movie. This is after she came out of the role in her interviews declaring that she has always been okay with her body. But then why the sudden weight change? Because she has a three-film deal with Yashraj? Why couldn't she continue having a three-film deal with the body that she already had? I don't know the complete story here but what I can understand (and I may be wrong) is this -- she, like many others, have succumbed to the set beauty standards. And it is okay! Because being overweight has its own obvious demerit. But then why go harping about "being overweight is okay" and parallelly do the opposite of it? It sends out confusing signals and like it or not, people do look up to movie actors as their role models. So here is what I am saying --Please let's admit it first -- We are not accepting towards "fat" people. Of course, being fit is different. What many people don't understand is that there are body types and each body behaves differently. All we "see" or "appreciate" is lean, thin, six packs, hour-glass, and the works. And we really, really need to change this thinking. Because people are much more than the extra layer of fat on their bodies.

Ok, maybe let's spare the film industry. Those guys are paid to look good and they have tons of resources and money at their disposal to change their bodies. Coming a bit closer to real life, being fat or being dark-skinned in India is considered a sin. I have heard educated, elderly people talking this about girls, "It is going to be very difficult finding her a groom, She is not pretty." And it is kind of funny because not every second person you meet is an Aishwarya Rai or a Hugh Grant. Most of us, almost all of us are flawed in some way or the other. I have been very vocal about how unhappy I am about my dark circles (although I have started accepting them only now) Or how my nose is slightly twisted (the reason why I avoid smiling ear to ear in my pictures)

Of course, we all are suckers for beauty. It is only human. We get attracted to dishes that look pretty, Tourist destination with natural beauty is more popular than maybe a debris with major historical importance. But when it comes to living, breathing, thinking, talking, feeling human beings, I wish we could be a bit more sensitive and a bit more clear first. I started accepting the "flawed is beautiful" theory only after I admitted to myself that all these years, I have been adhering to a certain parameter of beauty and why not? We have been conditioned over years. Tun-tun was a funny caricature in older movies. Villains always have black skin and broken teeth. Heroes are always handsome and heroines always have big eyes and an hour glass figure. Forget movies, even in real life, we make character judgments only on the basis of how a person looks.

We need to look beyond. I need to look beyond and I am trying. Every time I see someone on the streets who is flawed in a very obvious way, immediately I have an opinion about them. But then I ask myself -- maybe they are far better writers or coders or maybe they can solve a Rubik's cube in under a minute. Maybe they are brilliant dancers or maybe they are fantastic orators. Who am I to say? Who am I to know or judge without really knowing them as a human being? And that's what's really required. Being good to fellow humans, irrespective of looks, weight, cast, creed, country, occupation -- isn't it?

Not Shaandar

On a weekly basis, I see a number of movies. If I write about each one of them here, this would become a movie blog. But yesterday, I saw Shaandar. And I had the words forming in my head before the interval. I knew this one needs a special mention.

There are two kinds of special in this world. Your favorite is your special -- your favorite dress with a story or a date with a fairly interesting memory is definitely special. But the opposite is true too. A day with bad memory is also ...you know ..."special." I have a similar story with this movie.I really wanted to watch Shandar. I love the cast and the trailer left me curious. But I had no idea I would be walking out of the cinema hall holding my ears in a sorry while the Husband glared at me. "We'd have rather watched Pyar ka Punchnama" a second time", he whined. I could only shrug.

To say Shandar is a bad movie would be unfair to "movies" because with all due respect to the people who invested almost a year in making it, it is not a movie. It is just a collection of  random scenes. No, really! There is hardly any story, there is no acting required and in all the scenes, it looks like people are actually laughing and having fun. In a way, it is good because you know they enjoyed making the movie, but nothing is fun for the audience here.

Surprisingly, only the role of Sannah Kapur has a few scenes that required acting and she has done her part pretty well. Besides that, there is nothing ... nothing in the movie that I could talk about with a satisfaction in my heart. The movie started with an animation story and the whole movie, in fact, has a fairy-tale feeling to it. That's all. I anyway don't look for a lot of logic in Hindi movies (I gave that up long back) but at least 2 scenes should connect together. Is even that too much to ask for?

There were a lot of things that could have been developed. Alia Bhat's character has this quirk of throwing random facts in between a conversation. I loved this character angle. However,she stops abruptly through the movie. It was not taken ahead. The two protagonists are insomniacs. I liked this part -- but I wish they would have used this information in a better way. There does not seem to be any connection, any romance in them. For a movie that has been given a fairy tale treatment, the story at least deserved to have a fairy tale moment between the Prince and Princess.

A lot of awareness trends these days, which is good --more power to social media! But like everything, the issue of body image confuses me. Yes, no one has to be apologetic about the way their bodies are, but why to promote an unhealthy lifestyle. Fine, the bride, Sannah Kapoor, is fat and she has no qualms about it. Nothing is better than being comfortable in your own skin. But she stuffs her mouth with chocolates and laddoos and is also encouraged by her family while she eats like a glutton. Why would you show it is okay to gulp down chocolates and laddoos? Please decide  guys. Being fat is okay. Being comfortable is perfect but being unhealthy is NOT fine. You don't want to die while harping about body issues, do you? (I have a lot to talk on this point -- another post coming soon!)

In one sequence, the groom gets arrested by the UK police and you later find out that Shahid Kapoor had tipped them into doing it. But what was the freaking point? He was still a jerk after he came out of it. In another sequence, Alia finds a panty instead of her breakfast. Okay, so Shahid found her skinny dipping the previous night and hence the prank (I am guessing) but again, what's the point? This does not culminate into anything that contributes to the story.

Alia sleeps for the first time while chit chatting with Shahid. Also, she is high. So why did she sleep? Because she was high or because she finds some magic with Shahid? I know it is supposed to be the latter but sorry it could have been treated way better. The insomniac who finally gets to sleep -- shouldn't this be an important part of the movie?

There is also a masoom angle to the movie -- which if you, like me, have grown up watching movies, you will predict it in the very first scene. The big reveal is shown in a sequence where everyone is high and acting like retards. Honestly, again it could have been better. The whole "everyone  is high and acting stupid" does not bring even a smile, leave alone laughing out loud over it.  The horse riding sequence has no point again and there is an unnecessary Karan Johar KWK scene too. Nah!! No growth in the story, no character arc, no entertainment.

Ok, listen, I feel bad criticising a piece of art and I know people would have really worked hard for this movie. But as a movie-goer and an ardent and sincere fan, I spend my hard earned money on movies. Hoping it to be decent is the least a viewer can ask for. I love Alia Bhatt and Shahid Kapoor equally. And honestly, I searched, really looked for something, something that I would like and enjoy. Something I can hold on to and say, "the movie was bad but at least ..." Sadly, I never got my "something" through the whole of Shaandar.

I would have rather watched Pyar ka Punchnama. Don't kill me for being a female and still liking it. It is entertaining and come on girls! loosen up a bit. All movies have guys as the culprits -- this one begs to differ. Let them enjoy the moment. At least you genuinely laugh at this one.

Goodbyes Are Not Fun

Sometimes, when sadness looms over the heart, it hurts physically. Friday was such a day. Every time I stood up, I felt I needed a support. Every time I moved, I wanted to  stop. Maybe defeat weighed down on me. Maybe it was the pain of seeing a dear friend leave --yet again. Maybe, it was both.

Two farewells in two days is a new experience for me. When you live life for a considerable amount of years, you tend to experience a lot of new feelings. You might end up denying them -- like the three of us were denying our sorrow. Yet, in a dingy basement park under the orange light of a setting sun, we were left with no other option but to face them. We still refused to acknowledge it --even when our eyes were filled with tears, even when our voices were losing pitch, we made sure that sorrow was not welcomed. Instead, we cracked boob jokes. We feigned relief that the friend was leaving -- at least we won't have to wait hours at lunch near the lift while she heats up her food. We made plans to meet soon.

We went back, pretending life is good -- it can be better.

Being Friends

When you turn 30, you tend to learn a few lessons in life, from life.One lesson I learnt was to make few friends but make them strong. Fortunately, I have them -- friends who have been with me since nursery, Or the third standard or the second year of college. These are people who know me, who I know and yet we are not 2 sides of the same coin. Distances in a relationship is a little-understood aspect. I am a great believer of distances -- Optimum distance of course.

Like every other group of friends, we also have a Whatsapp chat group and although I am not entirely sure how, there was a plan made -- to have a get together in a common city, which incidentally was not our hometown. So there we were, people who have probably not met in years, meeting now , accompanied with our respective spouses. We were in the same city and the same house some six years back -- all of us single, barely beginning our careers.

Things have changed -- all of us got married. One moved to switzerland and hence could not make it. We called him up at 1 in the morning to tease him about how he is missing the fun. We were up till 4 in the morning - chatting, laughing, playing cards, laughing some more, drinking tea, yawning, encouraging each other to sleep and take some rest (because we were all tired from the journey) and still not getting enough of each other.

All of us woke up at 7. It began with the owner of the house, sitting in his balcony, sipping his tea and enjoying the morning silence when I slowly stepped , probably breaking his reverie. Soon, our conversation picked up once again -- talking about nothing particular, whispering and giggling , trying our best to not wake the others up. We were joined by our third friend and soon we all had a marvellous cup of tea in our hands and we were at it again -- talking a mile a minute, about our lives, questioning each other about stuff we have missed from each other's lives, sharing experiences. opinions and thoughts.

It was time to get ready and meet the other two. So after a lot of shaking ourselves from the incomplete rest and laziness, we were there , meeting two of my bestest and strongest friends. These two are the ones who were in the same school as me. They have seen my ups and downs. We couldn't stop randomly hugging each other . I couldn't stop looking at those two and noticing all the difference that had come up after we all grew up. Both of them are mothers now -- they talk about their daughters with a lot of love in their eyes. I know better than to stop them.

The world has changed in the 20 years that we have known each other and none of us were spared from that. Social media was dominant in our conversation and before all of us got down to really talk, there was a lot of tagging and clicking pictures. Memories being made before they even get created. I had an objection to that. I expressed it and people obliged.When people meet after years, two things happen. Either, there is a lot to talk about or there is nothing to talk about. All of us were stuck somewhere in between. There was an awkwardness too, created by time and distance. A few of  us had given up on that awkward feeling , a few of us were still trying to bridge the gap. However, when I look at that evening, I only have good times to think about.

The same night we were joined by yet another friend who could not make it in the morning. We were back at home with playing card, dinner, tea, nonsense chit and everything in between. While the guys played cards, me and a friend's wife (now my friend too) played our own game of disturbing them. A whole lot of jokes and laughter ensued. Somewhere, I wanted to point out that this is how memories were made -- it did not require location tagging and innumerable selfies (although they are good too) It just required being together.

Earlier in the day, while walking by the road, a friend remarked, "According to a study, if you manage to be friends with a person for seven years, you will remain friends with them for life."
"Then we all crossed that bar ages ago" I said. My reply was met with bright smiles. Yes, it feels great to know that there are friends who have seen me then, who are with me now and hopefully, even after years, we will remain together. There may be a lot of things I might want to change in my life, but when it comes to these guys, I think I am good!

Will You Marry a Rape Survivor?

This question came up over a coffee chat among friends. A few days back, Bangalore witnessed a brutal gang rape of a BPO employee who took an unknown tempo traveler to commute locally. It is interesting to see how easily we sit in our cafeterias, sip on our coffee in paper cups and voice our opinions while someone is living the pain. What I mean to say is, it is very easy for us to say how easily that girl could have avoided what happened -- How she could have taken a cab or how she could have waited for an auto. I agree. But whatever she decided to do, nothing can justify what happened afterward.

Today, I sit here in the comfort of my office and question the society. The truth is, I am no stranger to a harassment situation. The irony is that while in Delhi, I never faced any situation that would scare me away. Going by today's standards, I was a fool in Delhi. Once I went to watch a 7:00 PM show all alone and took an Auto back home. Noida is a city full of narrow lonely lanes and the Auto driver took me through those. I was scared, but I was safe. 

On a random night, at around 8:30 PM, my roommate expressed her wish to have an ice cream. "Come," I said. The mall was at a distance of 5 minutes from our flat in a Cycle Rickshaw. She hesitated but jumped out of the bed. Two fools. When our other flatmate saw us leaving at such an ungodly hour, she asked us where are we going. "ATM", One of us blurted out. "Take cash from me, don't leave now" She had said. "We will be back before you know it." We called and ran out. We were lucky then too. We came back soon and safe, giggling and licking melting ice cream from our hands. 

In Bangalore, my chest has been ogled at, a biker slapped my chest and ran away, one actually came after me while shouting "Madam you look very sexy from back" reversed his bike to face me and say "You look sexy from the front too" and actually followed me in his vehicle while I ran in a heavily pouring rain. 

Both these days, I was lucky. I was still under my Delhi hangover and I "knew" that if nothing ever happened to me there, there is no chance in hell that I will be harmed in a safe city like Bangalore. These two incidents forced me to be afraid and careful. Recently, at 4:30 in the afternoon, I was inappropriately touched, given dirty looks and blown what I feel were air kisses (unless the guy had a pronounced pout) by the driver of a rick that I boarded. All this at a busy road of IndiraNagar. I know my lessons now. So I got down from that auto immediately. I should have shouted, I should have slapped him or as my husband says, I should have given him a taste of the pepper spray he makes sure I carry. But in that scary moment, I forgot about the pepper spray. All my instincts cried was that if I do not get down from this rickshaw, something bad might happen. 

I walked like a zombie on the streets for some time to get out of the shock of what just happened. I wanted a bath, I wanted to sanitize the parts of my arms where he had managed to touch me. I was afraid of going in another auto. Let me remind a second time -- it was 4:30 in the afternoon on a road that is known for being jammed. 

I am sorry, I digress. What happened with me was not even an iota of what any rape survivor faces. Back to the discussion over coffee, a friend said this -- "One mistake and she is scarred for life." This is where I could not agree with her. "Why is she scarred for life? Why must one incident define her future?" I asked her. "Because the society will not let her live." My friend replied.

I told her that she made the society, that I made the society. I know my thoughts were ambitious. I knew my friend was correct. I know even now that many might have a strange aversion to someone who has already gone through a horrifying incident. But can it not be just that -- an incident? Why does she have to be "scarred for life?"

While this discussion was on, my male friend was sitting quietly scrolling through his phone. I needed a male perspective. "Will you marry a rape survivor?" I asked him. He looked up from his phone and gave me a confused smile. Very slightly, he shook his head in a no. "My parents will not like it," He said. He is an educated guy. He is a really nice human being and I personally know he respects women. And he still thinks he will not be able to marry someone who has gone through a disturbing event. I was disappointed. 

"It's not about the parents. Marriage is about only the two people." I said. "No!" cried both my friends. "Marriage involves families" Alright! I said. "But if this girl is a great human being, she respects your parents, she loves and supports you, why can you not marry her?" My friend stuck to his answer. "My parents will not be able to accept it. It is difficult to change their thinking." I know their thinking would not change, I wanted to say. But is that what you think too? Will you stand up for this girl?  Or are you hiding your own thinking under the cloak of your parents' views? 

Why is it so difficult to look at these things with a little objectivity? Of course, I am not talking about marrying a rape survivor out of pity, no, of course not. But say tomorrow, your girlfriend confides in you and tells you she was raped, will you leave her? If you get an arranged marriage proposal and she tells you she was raped, will you still try and get to know her?

A lot of people, educated or otherwise, city dwellers or otherwise, think like my friend above. I cannot blame them. It's years and years of thinking in a certain way. But think about it. It is just an incident which was in no way the fault of the victim. Should we not help her/him forget about the incident rather than remind them. 

I cannot change how my friends think. I can just tell them that there is another way of thinking too. Through this post, I want to spread the word. 

The man who talks with his eyes

A few years back, I made a list of men whom I was quite impressed with. They were mostly a mix of Hollywood/ Indian actors. However, I never had a lot to say about them – hence that consolidated list. But then recently, I stumbled upon an MTV movie called “Shadi Vadi and all that”.  There were two things that came to mind when I was watching the promo of the movie before I would decide to watch the whole thing. One – It looked heavily inspired by Sophie Kinsella’s I have got your number (which it definitely was) and that’s Mishal Raheja!

One look at Mishal Raheja and I was back in Bhopal, to that exam break period  in 2007 when Left Right Left and Love Story would be on SAB Tv in the morning, back to back. At 9 in the morning, that was my only break before I would dive in those engineering books (That are of no use to me now … but well)

The promos of Love story began with “Teri Yaadein” – the song that would give me that tingly feeling in the stomach. I am not sure if I can ever explain what “that tingly feeling means” but I will try. It’s that lurching feeling when you are free falling -- when you are falling head over heels for someone or maybe something”. At 22, as a nerd who was totally in love with the idea of falling in love (and never having experienced it first hand) “Teri yaadein” had me smiling like an idiot every time it would come on TV. I still have that song in my playlist and it is still “my” song.  As much as I was falling in love with the song, I was falling in love with Akash /Mishal Raheja.  But then I was in final year of my engineering. I had exams to write and a company to join. Before I knew it, I was called by Satyam and Love story got lost somewhere between training, Sindhi Colony, and the new job life.

Eight years later, Mishal Raheja came back in my life with Shadi Vadi and all that. And thanks to youtube, I finished watching Love story. Back then, I was smitten by what I saw – Akash and Shruti in love, the smiles, the stares, the mush and sometimes the cheese.  Today, however, having done one small theater performance, having been exposed to a wider variety of movies and theater and some amazing international TV shows, I can appreciate him more as an actor.  Yes, I have so much to say about him that a full article is less. And today, because I am writing a rant article after such a long time, I am going to set myself free.

Now, honestly speaking, I hate the shows on Indian television. I used to watch them when I was at home but then as I grew up, the quality deteriorated.  I am not impressed with any Indian TV show in the latest times. I hardly think twice about any actor or any performance.  And here is the harsh one –I blatantly make fun of these shows when I am at home in Bhopal and I have nothing to do. They are, at least, fun lunch time conversations. And with this mindset when I watched Love story now, I look at Mishal Raheja and think, “Why is this actor on television?” “Why isn’t he in movies?” “Why isn’t he in the league of Ranbir Kapoor and Shah Rukh Khan?” He definitely deserves to be there.

With nepotism engulfing the film industry like a blanket of snow on mountains, I, as a very regular movie goer can do with some actors whose performance does not make me cringe.  Six packs and push ups on hands are great people, yay!!  But please be convincing enough as actors – but most of you are hardly that – I am looking at you Suraj Pancholi and even you Bhai!!

Mishal Raheja has everything – he has got the looks, the style, the physique and the talent! He should be collecting awards like they are pebbles on streets – he should have made a big debut in the Indian Film Industry. This man does what hardly a few actors can do – he emotes with his eyes. I am not an actor and I know about acting as much as these actors know about Datastage. But I can differentiate a blatantly good actor from a blatantly bad one.

If any one of you has had the patience of reading this article this far, then I urge you to watch these two videos. I wish this was just one video because technically it is one scene. Watch the first scene from 4:00 minutes or just watch it from the beginning – there is no harm.Here is the second scene. Keep looking at Mishal’s eyes. The expressions change from love to disappointment to anger at the betrayal, to terror and back to love. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but as much as I can understand, I understand perfectly what Akash is feeling. The last time I was this moved by such a performance on Indian television was in Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi bahu thi when Smriti Irani breaks down after she sees the husband’s death body.  Also, I chose just this scene from Love story because his expressions change quickly, obviously because the character is feeling a lot of things together. However, there are many many many such scenes.  

Anyway, while I was busy watching Shadi Vadi that night, Prabhjot pinged me for basic chit chat. When I told him I was busy falling in love all over again with Mishal Raheja, after a conversation of “who?” and “Arey don’t you remember the Love story guy in Final year” and “Uff you and your crushes”, he finally performed his best friend duties.  “He has a new show on, check it out,” he told me. “Google Ishq ka rang Safed”So I googled Ishq ka rang safed.  The dilemma came home to visit at that very moment. “I don’t do Indian Television anymore,” I told myself. “But it is Mishal Raheja. And it is a love story” said the same 22-year-old smitten girl in me.

So I watched the first episode. Now here is the thing – I seriously cannot do conniving villains and illogical story plots. But I am game for a love story, a sweet love story. A supremely good looking and talented actor can help me waddle through. Heck! I did it for The vampire diaries – didn’t I? There were conniving villains there too. The only difference was that the villains there were hot! Katherine! Klaus! Kai (hang on – Why are all their villains named from K?) Also, the villains in TVD have a purpose, unlike the Indian serials where the heavily made up aunties (or uncles for that matter) are villains just because they are bad people. However, I sailed through TVD because of Stelena – a love story that still has me sighing, even after its sad demise.  I can do it for Mishal Raheja too. So I did it.

I cannot sit through any scene that does not have Mishal in it. Even if I do, all I can think is --- “who does that, who talks like that – oh my God, this makes no sense, hello we live in the 21^st century” so on and so forth. At the risk of a longer rant, I want to elaborate a bit more here. Ishq ka rang safed is a story about widow remarriage.  Sounds cool, doesn't it? But somehow, it isn't it. To begin with, the characters are still from a mindset that think widows are untouchable. I, for one, cannot fathom this attitude. Acha chalo, I will accept that such a mindset exists. I cannot buy the fact that Dhani the protagonist is uneducated to the level that she does not know email and fax and the internet. Chalo, this also I will swallow somehow. But can a person not know what's a seat belt? I am not really complaining that Dhani did not know what  a seat belt is or how is it used because I got to see a really cute scene where Viplav helps her and as the scene moved on, I sat back and admired the subtle expressions of Mishal. I mean, you know he likes her and you know he cannot show it, but he cannot hide it too. This is subtle -- this happens only when you are either in love or you are a really good performer.

Even for scenes with Mishal in them, I am supremely critical. For example, most of the quarrel scenes between Dhani and Viplav are annoyingly repetitive.  The only saving grace is obviously Mishal. I am not sure how many episodes I have watched till now, but I have only loved a typically clichéd scene where Viplav and Dhani are stuck when their car breaks down.Now, only a hopeless romantic like me can enjoy such a scene and smile like a teenager in love. If you can,  do check out the video on Youtube. Notice again how he suppresses his smile  or how he wants to show that he is shocked that Dhani likes music, but he does not really shout it out -- subtle! Again, at the risk of sounding repetitive, I will say it – had it been another actor – well I would not have been watching this show if it was another actor so forget it.

I will stop now (almost!) I love it when I am crushing on someone. It gives me something to look forward to after a tiring day from work and travel. A few days back it was Luke and Lorelai (In fact, I think I have seen their first kiss almost a hundred times now and I feel that same tingle in the pit of my stomach Every.Single.Time. – He kept the horoscope for eight years!) And now it is Ishq ka rang safed (albeit selectively)

Parting words – I wanted people to realize that there are some really good actors out there. There are some who don’t get their due. Now I am sure Mishal Raheja is popular but I honestly he think he deserves more popularity – he deserves an SRK level popularity. My unknown blog cannot give him that, unfortunately. But I can still try!

The buck never stops

I got a WhatsApp "punch" in the morning today. "You are not writing anymore" it said. Well -- true and false. I was writing ... It's still not every day, but it's there. But I was writing in random pieces of paper, in my old tattered diary that takes the weight of my body more than it takes the weight of my thoughts. I realized I write the best in the mornings. So I wrote. As usual, I never got around to finish it. But to keep this blog up, alive and running, I am going to keep my promise of writing a story -- incomplete stories in this case but beginning of something.

So here goes the first one.

****************************************************************************

Rashida Jamal was the last person to leave the room -- like every other day, She sat there and looked around. It always felt bigger and calmer with no one around her. She had a tingly feeling in her feet that urged her to get up. she always defied her inner voice -- the one that would yell at the top of her voice. Only if the world could hear her scream -- they would think she was crazy. But maybe she was.

Rashida looked around the room once again. They changed the flowers this week but besides that, there was no change. The benches were still the same and the posters on the walls were probably older than her oldest students. She liked the silence after everyone left the room. The silence was calming. It hugged her -- sat beside her like an understanding friend -- waiting for her to speak but never nagging. At home, however, it was eerie. At home, she was the nagging friend to the silence that covered her house. She wanted it to break. She would call her children and talk about this and that. She heard the disinterest in their voices, but she had learned to overlook them.Her husband would talk to her too -- but only in grunts and nods. In twenty-seven years, he was probably so used to her that he did not think it was important to acknowledge her as an individual.

Every day when the school bell rang, Rashida would feel her heart sinking. One more day passes by -- One more day closer to the end of this year when she will retire. Rashida remembered when she had just started working as a high school English teacher. 

"I can't wait to grow old and retire" She would tell her friends. Today she could go back in a heartbeat. Today she cannot imagine a life which is not spent in the world of Shakespeare, Fitzgerald, and Cummings. Maybe she was too used to it, maybe, this school was an escape for her or maybe she was just scared. 

*********************************************************************************

This is a pure unadulterated version of what I wrote while I was half asleep and half nagging my own self to get up and get ready for work. This is all I could manage in between the thoughts of  "I should get up" "I don't want to get up" "I shall work from home today" "But then I will have to cook" and  lastly "I am still sleepy".

As I promised, I will write my other incomplete here and maybe I will witness a miracle and see a story completing itself.

The mix up (Sucky stories -- Day 2)

Another day had gone by and Nia realised she had to stop. She was overworked and under slept. Nia hung her head back and rubbed the ridge of her nose. She needed more coffee – maybe her third in only the last hour.

She raised her hand to call someone.  “So how is the new business?”  Rishu aunty as usual smelt of coffee and cake. She was wearing her brown apron and a few strands of her hair were playing around her forehead.

“It’s as good as a Sajid Khan movie” Nia smiled.

“Honey, remember this – you can have a lot of troubles in life, but nothing can be as bad as a Sajid Khan movie.  Trust me on that!”  Nia smiled again.

“Can I get you anything?” 

“Another Coffee”

“You know when you are in a terrorist attack and God forbid they shoot you, you will bleed caffeine”  Rishu aunty walked to the counter as she spoke.

“At least something would make me famous – this business is hardly going to do that for me” Nia closed the flap of her laptop.

“You have just started it, give it some time honey!” Rishu aunty kept the large mug of Nia’s coffee on the table and pulled a chair for herself.

“Well , I hope that  …” Their conversation was interrupted by Nia’s ringing phone.

“Nia Sharma, yes .. No,sorry, what?....  A holiday?  …. I have not booked for any holiday…. All expense paid trip ….with who?  Surprise?  By who? … see I think you have the wrong person …. Yes, I am Nia Sharma but … who is this person ….Mail … yes ..ok … Thank you ?” Nia stared at the emptiness above her coffee table, confused.

“Some one is sending me to Shillong … on an all expense paid trip” Nia’s eyes were wandering as she spoke.

Rishu auny frowned. “Who?”

“I don’t know … I don’t understand .. there must be a mix up. They would have me confused with some other Nia.

“Oooh a secret admirer , you don’t say?” Rishu aunty cocked her head to the side and smiled with a twinkle in her eye.

“Oh right! The last time I had a secret admirer; Bhagat Singh was planning to raid the train in Kakori!”

“Du  -uh”  Rishu aunty rolled her eyes.

“Du-uh to you back” Nia smiled. “I’ll head back home… Can I have the bill please?”

“Sure “ Rishu aunty got up.

Nia was glad the day Rishu aunty had bought the neighbourhood property and turned it into a Library plus café. Since then, most of her weekends were spent there, reading a book and sipping cups and cups of coffee. Now that she had decided to open her own business venture, Café Perk up was almost her place. She could remain alone here without being alone.  She would sit there with her team, deciding about ideas, marketing plans and everything else in between.  In her free time, she could look at people coming in and out and cook up their live stories in her head.  

Alright, the blogger has turned in her write up and the developer is working on the fixes... I still need to talk to the designers.. It wasn’t a bad day today.  Nia went through her day as she fished for her keys in the bag and opened the door to her flat.

 The phone call still bummed her. Can it really be a secret admirer? Shashank? No he is married and besides he was never so romantic … Ashish ? Oh no he stopped calling me as soon as I turned down his proposal … so no and he was not so romantic either.. No one is that romantic.

“Lucky girl you other Nia” She mumbled to herself as she changed into her shorts and slipped into the bed.

That night Nia dreamed of a hill station she had never been to. She saw clouds kissing the mountain tops and long road twisting like a flexible dancer. She was not sure in her dream but it could have been Shillong.

Sucky Story Series (Day 1) The unlikely detective (Incomplete)

“Salesman for the world and detective for … well for the world.” That does not work. Raman squinted and studied the floor. “Was that a cockroach? Is there a cockroach den somewhere? Anyway,The boss will stamp me instead of the bloody creature.”  He walked towards the cockroach to squish it with his feet.

“Where will I get the Armani perfumes?”  A girl in a yellow dress asked.  “That side Ma’am” He pointed his finger towards the perfume section.  

“Armani perfume, why not Hugo Boss, why not Channel, why does this woman want only Armani? Anyway, I should have a brand name .. like James Bond. I’ll get to wear Armani suits. But what should my description be? “Sleep peacefully, because I am here?” Too ..inspired. Raman did not realise he was standing still with squinted yes, right at the centre of the huge store.

“If I see you once again squinting at nothingness, I will make sure I give you to the cops you are so eager to be with.” He felt a slap at the top of his head. The boss had caught him again. “Not the cops, detectives! There is a difference .. Huge difference.”

“Don’t answer me back kid! You are my grandson’s age! “

“I am 21 and you are old and I know you will never let me go.” Raman flashed his goofiest smile. He knew he can melt the boss once more like he has done several times earlier.

“Oh let you go, I will. One more month of no rent and you are gone. Trust me on that. Next thing you know, Mr. Raman Chatarjee is on his way home to Calcutta”

“You hardly pay me!” Raman shrugged and raised his hand.

“I pay you well enough my lad! I know all your money goes away in your binoculars and detective gadgets and detective diaries and books and …”

“Have you been snooping around? You don’t snoop in a detective’s room!”

“That’s my house you live in. I don’t have to snoop in my own house.”            

“Raunak … he saw Raunak , I am dead … dead like a dead person …dead ..dead dead”  Raman could feel a sweat tickling him, like it’s a joke .

“And although I am fine, your aunty will not like the dog oh and stop squinting like that!”

“You know about Rounak – umm he is my assistant .. I …was about to ..” he trailed off.

“Does not matter. Son”, the boss was now serious “Stop this detective obsession. Do something serious with your life. You are a good lad , full of promises, very popular I must say,. Don’t waste your life like ..like this ..squinting into air all the time.

“I don’t squint Boss.  I think – I think hard. It helps me look –really look. And when I will become the world’s best detective, you will know and you will feel proud. That was my lad – the best detective in an Armani suit! You would say. That’s not wasting life Boss, that’s passion. And

Rounak will be my smart assistant” Raman was squinting again, now towards the ceiling.

The boss sighed and slumped his shoulders.

After the lull -- Or was it a storm!

Life happens -- with all of us. Some people juggle like crazy sorcerers. Really guys, how do you do it? Did Minerva McGonagall give you a time turner too? I go crazy. So the last few months were maddening ! There was office and more office and so much more of office. Leaving home at 8 and coming back at 10 , only to login again had become a daily routine. And then there was ThatElegantChic. You know who she is ..don't you? If you haven't then you must visit her -- here. It is a start up venture that a friend and I have put up with a lot of love and excitement. Of course I am just the writer/editor there and the friend is the real "face" of it -- but I love being a part of it. It has its own perks! and it has it's own work. Although she does the most of it and I cannot take away that credit from her, TEC is one more reason that takes up my time and I don't complain.Going back to office, here is a surprising thing -- I loved what I was doing. I loved getting into issues , developing a complicated logic and getting output out of it. Maybe IT has finally sucked me in. Unfortunately, writing suffered -- to a large large extent. I wanted to quit engineering and become a full time writer. Today  I have quit writing and become a full time Engineer.

And even if I don't know anything in my life, or about my life, I know one thing for sure. I don't want to be "that IT person". The ones that Ambika and I used to talk about -- the ones that are too lost to look beyond their codes , the ones who limit their circle of life in the loop of their ID tags. I remember slightly bloating up with pride when Ambika told me , "You are not like the usual IT guys." Yes I was not , and I hope I am not.

So I know I am not "that" IT person, but what kind of a writer am I? What are the kind of writers? Am I a writer? I mean, I write my heart out and I love to do so. But I am so far away from being good that a look at the long road ahead of me is enough to tire me. And that bogs me down -- sends me reeling far away from my pen and paper.

 I attended the writer's meet up recently when I had a chance. I hated the topic. Pick up a known hero, a known villain , a random genre , throw everything together and make up a story. Please! Somehow, I am not a fan of fan fiction. Anyway. I came up with such a crappy (unfinished) story that I never wanted to go to the meet up again. My hero was Andrei Androfski , Villain was the Joker and the genre was Magical realism. To begin with, I did not have a slightest idea about Andrei Androfski. Anyway -- as I said, I came up with crap. There were others of course who wrote brilliant pieces as usual. Pavan , in particular, like always came up with a fantastic piece and Nitish, the MIT scientist came up with a rap for God's sake. How do these people ace it every single time? Does being a writer means that you come up with awesome stories? Because speaking of stories, I have never come up with an awesome story -- you know , something like, a story on humanizing emotions in your head or the story of a mother and a daughter who are more like friends. I can never even come up with something like a Pakistani girl lost in India or even a story of two vampire brothers in love with the same girl. I suck at stories. 

So that's exactly what I will do. Although my last project of one post every day fell short of ,I guess eight days, I declare a new project -- now that the office project is in production and I have just one unresolved "issue" to deal with.  The blog project will be called the sucky story series. I will come up with stories. I will try to keep them good but mostly I will go with the flow. So they are bound to be sucky and stupid. But for the next 30 days (that's what I will at least try) I will write one story which may be bad, worse or not even reading worthy. But who knows -- in between , I my have a break through , or maybe not -- but at least this blog will spring back to life. The timing is right too. It's the first day of August tomorrow and a Saturday. I am supposed to go to a blogger's meet from Flipkart and IndieBlogger in the first half and meet in a relative in the second. But I will squeeze time for my story. I may not be a super woman but I can do some squeezing of time  -- Let's see what happens next!

Love -- Day 22

A purple night,Moon in sight,
Beneath the sky ,You and I
A wishing star, gazes fixed afar
A love song, that we sing along
the stupid laughter, the silence after
The loving glances, the unending promises
The lips that quvier, the tocuh that shivers
The love that stays, forever and ever

Of Passions and Fathers -- Day 21

This is a video I came across on Youtube. It is a Coke Studio edition and as all with most of the Coke Studio Songs, I don't understand it completely because it is not fully in Hindi. However, the song in a whole is pretty comprehensible.

Now, firstly the emotion of the song is lovely. It is a conversation between a Father and a Daughter where (roughly translated) the daughter says -- "I am your darling girl and I will never leave your side."

Besides listening to the song, here is what I noticed

1) The expressions on the face of Sachin Sanghvi, the guy in spectacles. The little girl is his daughter and he might as well have held up a board saying "I am SO proud of my daughter right now" Look at the smile and the way his eyes sparkle behind those spectacles. They twinkle like the brightest star in the sky. (Also as a totally unrelated side note -- Sachin Sanghvi is quite cute)

2) Rinku Rajput (On the Piano) and other musicians -- Some have their eyes closed , some are looking at the singers and smiling lightly, some are absolutely immersed in the show.

I always find it very fascinating to see someone work on their passion. Most of the time, one does not have to look beyond.

I remember my father's love for Mathematics. I remember how he would not move an inch if his answer would not come correctly (Which was pretty rare). He would sit there calculating, working, muttering to himself, forgetting the world around him. In other cases when I would go to him with a question, he would look at the question, take 2 minutes, stare at me for a second or two and say, "Is the answer, just check?" and 9.5 out of 10 times, it would match to the tee. He would then snigger like a naughty child and ask me for a pen and a paper to elaborate.

There was this one incident, when I asked him to solve a question for me. As far as my memory serves me, I was too tired from school and other activities and I was not able to concentrate when he tried to explain me the solution. He said, "Go to bed. We will do this tomorrow morning." This was all I was waiting to hear and dashed to my room. When I got up in the morning, clumsy that Mr.Tiwari is, I found my books opened and lying strewn on the table. I went to collect them and what I see is this : Besides that one question that I had asked him to do, he had solved the ENTIRE exercise in my notebook. While I stood their flicking through the pages in amazement, he stood behind me, toothbrush in his mouth and still sniggering like a naughty child. "Have fun", he said. "I have solved everything in the exercise with statements. Come to me if you still don't understand something."

I got a bit carried away. I was talking about doing something that does not make you say, "I don't really feel like doing it" and rather makes you say, "Oh well, I am tired but you know what, I really want to do this." Is this a natural feeling or one makes oneself believe it? How does this passion thing work? I am still trying to figure it all out.

On another side note, Last night I had a reading marathon. I finished a book and a half. It had been ages since I read so furiously. I was up till 4 reading and I although am sure my dark circles will put any Panda bear to shame it was fun -- a lot of fun.


See you tomorrow!

Brevity -- Day 20

Chinkie's careless walk in the cool breeze came to a sudden halt as he saw him. She held the packet of bread in her hands with a tight grip. His eyes sparkled in the light. She could sense a smile on his lips.

She tried to move back. But she knew there was no use. He had already seen her.

The dog snatched the packet of bread from her hand and ran away, his tail wagging furiously.

********************************************************************************************************

Sometimes, a peaceful moment is all you ask for. This was such a moment for Vijay. He sat on the floor besides his son Rajneesh and smiled. He had finished everything he was supposed to. He had paid the bills and marked the medicines for his wife. He had fixed the pane of the window that rattled in the night and painted the front gate.

His son,dressed in all white, got up from his place and moved towards the large smiling picture of Vijay. Today it was adorned with flowers and wreath.

Rajneesh picked up his father's body on his shoulders supported by three other men.

********************************************************************************************************

Sanjeev grabbed the knife in his hand and checked the grip and its sharpness. This will not do. He took the next knife with a bigger blade. His next victim was Chunky. He lay on the counter trying to wriggle out but it was too late.

"Sorry Chunky", Said Sanjeev as he brought down the knife to kill him.

"It will be a nice dinner" Thought Sanjeev. "I will never let the kids name the crab again"


********************************************************************************************************

Mona clenched her hands in a fist as the man walked behind the lady. "This cannot be good" she thought. "Some one do something". she whispered.

It was dark and Mona could only see the woman in a red dress walking as fast as could. She was in a hurry, but the woman did not know that she was being stalked. Mona's eyes moved quickly towards the others on the road. For every one else, it was life as usual. The man pulled down his cap to cover his face.

The lady walked inside a narrow lane. In some time the man walked in there too, smiling.

Mona bit her lips and turned the page.


********************************************************************************************************

That unknown favorite -- Day 19

Without further ado, let me make one announcement. I am going to make up for all these lost days. I must have missed around ten days (bad me!) but trust me, this is the most of me, this blog has seen. So honestly, I am not really disappointed with whatever is going on here.

Now recently I realized what a gloomy sad writer I am! Till now I have written about a widow, a girl who gets herself assassinated, a girl who lost a chance at love and a girl who was killed by the ghost of a maid for unknown reasons. Man! I have a dark writing persona.  One day, I will come up with something happy. I am trying !

As of now, I do not have a happy story to share But I do have a happy movie to talk about. Not many of you would know about this movie. But I think I have seen it more times than the film makers themselves. It is called -"Mujhse Fraandship Karoge". That indeed is the spelling of friendship in the movie and honestly the movie is not as shady as it sounds. On the contrary it is one of a few well made movies. 

It does not have very well known actors.  Out of the 4 protagonists, one is Saqib Saleem, who was also in Bombay talkies and Hawa Hawai. The girl Saba Azaad is actually a singer and is currently seen in the Lays Ad . Tara D'souza is the third girl and besides this movie, I have seen her only in Mere brother ki Dulhan. The fourth one is Nishant Dahiya and I have not seen him anywhere besides this movie. What do I like about this movie? It is a no drama, no tears, no complications movie. All the 4 protagonists in this movie are 21 year olds and they behave like them. They are neither too silly nor too mature. They are just that -- balanced 21 year olds.

The story is full of loop holes and before I talk about the loop holes, here is the story. I will try to keep it short. 

There is Vishal -- happy, fun loving  guy who is also a writer. Nice! This is the type of writer I want to see in my social circles. The hilarious one who calls his own songs "pansy" and still write lovely songs. ( Although the real songs of the movie are by the real lyrics writer, but we will go by what has been asked us to believe). There is Preeti who is a photographer and who comes with a past. More about this later. Preeti's roommate is Malvika , the hot girl who again is a genuine person and does not have any airs about being pretty. Lastly, Rahul the rockstar who studies biochemistry in a "khachoo sa college" but is extremely popular among the girls. Also, Vishal and Rahul are best friends,

Here is the network : Preeti has a crush on Rahul and Vishal has a crush on Malvika.  Secondly, Preeti and Vishal are in the same college and they hate each other. 

Now  read this carefully -- Vishal sends a friendship request to Malvika from Rahul's FB account and Preeti accepts it on the behalf of Malvika. So at the back end, Vishal and Preeti are FB chatting non stop and falling in love with each other, while baying for each other's blood in real life. In the meanwhile, Rahul and Malvika have no idea what is going on with their FB accounts behind their backs.

Honestly , the story sounds pretty cheesy but the execution, the dialogues , the performances, songs , the other caste of the movie are all super fun. Prabal Punjabi plays Vishal's other best friend Hacky who is the funniest character and a very good actor. 

The central theme of the movie is this 25 years college event that Preeti and Vishal are working on -- "A photographic documentary on the romantic history of the college" (That's exactly how they say it). So these 2 go from couple to couple clicking pictures and listening to their stories. Soon each one realize that the other is not that bad and start behaving cordially with each other -- actually become friends!

Simultaneously, when Rahul (actually Vishal) makes plans to finally meet Malvika (actually Preeti), to cover their lie, they obviously send the real Rahul and Malvika to meet each other. So now in real life, Rahul and Malvika meet (Phew! I hope I wrote that clearly) and they hit it off famously. Malvika develops a crush on Rahul and he likes her back. However, since she knows Preeti likes him, she does nothing about her feelings. In the scene where Preeti realizes about Malvika's crush for Rahul, she actually laughs about it and is totally cool with it! See! I told you -- No drama. Slowly, Preeti starts getting attracted to Vishal and realizes that Rahul is not as interesting in real life as he seemed earlier (Rahul - Preeti and Vishal - Malvika meet too --I promise, when you see the movie, there is no confusion at all)  

Every truth is revealed in the end and all are happy of course. 

I have already written about how light and fun the movie is. Even the heavy part, where Preeti talks about how she was used by a guy or how her father abandoned the family is very easy flowing.  When Vishal catches Malvika and Rahul kissing, there are tears and raised voices but there was no scuffle and no over the top anything. Next day, Vishal and Rahul talk it out over a coffee. That is why I love this movie.

Now the major loop holes -- I know of no "best friends" who share their FB passwords with each other. I can still assume that Preeti had access to Malvika's facebook because they shared the same laptop, but I cannot digest how Vishal had Rahul's account details. Besides, it is silly that the two never got an idea of what is happening in their accounts because history in FB is very easy to access. 

I forgive the creative liberties of course. 

On another note, the same production brought "Mere Dad ki Maruti" which is again one insane laugh riot. It is incidenatlly the husband's favorite and on a day like today when I will feel like writing something light, I will talk about it.

I will see you tomorrow! (Hopefully)

A crack on the wall --- Day 18

Sakshi: Dude! It’s here again.

Nitika: I am telling you if you scare me like that , I will kill You

Sakshi: Niti I am not kidding … It is here and it is growing.

Nitika Ghansyahm :  Did you see it move?

Sakshi: Yes

Nitika: Tell your parents..

Sakshi: Hmm …

10 mins later

Sakshi : It’s gone

Nitika … It was never there yaa! You are just messing with me.

Sakshi : No! Something here is messing with me. I am telling you it started from that day and it has the same shape.

Nitika : So it was there and it was growing and now it’s not there?

Sakshi: No dude! It’s a blank wall. Like there was no crack ever!

Nitika : Wow! Weird!  Ok stop texting me and try to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow ok?

Sakshi : I cannot sleep here L

Nitika: Sleep in Mom-Dad’s room?

Sakshi: Naah! I’ll keep the lights on. See you tomorrow.

1 Hour later

Sakshi : Niti

Nitika : Why aren't you sleeping?

Sakshi : Someone is in my room.

Nitika: Who? What? What are you saying?

Sakshi:  There is a lady. Her back is towards me. She seems to be going through my bag Niti … do something please!!! Call my dad.

Niti : Oh My God!! Okay Okay don’t worry! Don’t make a sound. I’ll call your Dad.

 Niti: Your Dad should come to your room in no time. Are you okay? Is she still there? Sakshi! Are you ok?

Niti: Sakshi???

Sakshi: It’s her Niti … It’s the maid.

Niti: The one who is in the news??  Sakshi you are messing with me again.

Sakshi: It’s her …

Niti: Where are you? Has your Dad knocked yet?

Sakshi: I am pretending to sleep. But she turned and I saw her …. And I thought our eyes met and she smiled. But that’s not possible. Is it Niti? She cannot see me … I am hiding... She cannot see me. I am scared Niti …why is she here? Where is Dad?

Niti: He’ll be there soon. You keep talking to me. What do you see now?

Sakshi: She is sitting at the foot of my bed. Oh God.. She is crying. Wailing … Oh Goodness this is terrible.

Niti: Damn Sakshi Sethi! I hope you are not trying to give me a heart attack. I’ll call your father again.

Sakshi: Don’t

Niti: Oh good! Has he come?

Sakshi: He did not. He never comes.

Niti: Where is the lady … the maid I mean? Is she gone? Are you fine?

Sakshi: She came to tell me how she died.  

Niti: Sakshi? Are you okay? You are saying she talked to you?

Sakshi: She has come to take me with her … 

Niti: Sakshi What? Sakshi?

< No Answer>

The newspaper headlines

After the mysterious death of a seventeen year old maid in the posh residence of Munniraka,Delhi, the police today found  the dead body of the fifteen year old daughter of the same family. Mr and Mrs Sethi are in a state of shock and unable to give any comments.  There was an unexplained  mark on the forehead of Sakshi Sethi, the deceased, that uncannily resembled the crack on the wall that came up after the maid Shraddha was found hanging on Tuesday evening at Mr and Mrs Sethi’s residence.

*********************************************************************************

I had tried writing a horror piece earlier, but it was actually a dream. So I had the story in mind and all I had to do was give it a structure. That was easy. This is the first time I have tried to actually write horror. Also, this is kind of an inspired piece. The format is from a random internet site that I came across. I will link it if I ever find it again only because it was a BRILLIANT story ( and it was pretty sophisticated with "the person is typing ..." coming every time and one had to click to read the "reply". ) The content however is just my shitty imagination,  If you got even a tiny bit scared, my job here is done! 

See you tomorrow!

And When You Smile -- Day 17

I  cannot help but stare as I take a sip of whatever it is that I am drinking.  I think my tongue has scalded a bit and at the back of my mind, I register that the drink is slightly sweet. But I hardly care. I am too busy looking at you. People might want to call me a stalker but what do they know? They have no idea about the sinking feeling I get in the pit of my stomach every time I see you. I see you smiling that same smile. It has not changed after all these years. It still reaches your eyes and light them up. I hear you and you still sound the same calm sorted out person whom I would run to for every little thing.

College – those beautiful days, when life was indeed a box of chocolates. You were Naina’s cousin. So we knew each other as long as I can remember. But I don’t remember when we moved on from “my best friend’s cousin to my friend”. Was it that day in the library when I was almost on the verge of tears, because I could not figure out the physics derivation and you helped? Or was it that day when your friends asked me to dance on the canteen table, as a part of a playful ragging dare and you stood there silently looking at me, smiling? I do remember the many moments when we would bump into each other -- Sometimes in the corridors, sometimes in college events and sometimes at your home.  Of course for me it was Naina’s home, which was my almost –second home.

It was always there in your eyes. Every one saw it, even Naina.  How was I to know?  We were poles apart, actually worlds apart. You were every one’s favourite.  And why not? Every guy with a guitar is popular – so were you.  After the event of Udaan 2013, Naina kept teasing me for a whole week. She said you sang Bruno Mars’s ‘just the way you are’ while looking at me the whole time. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could have seen you, the way you saw me. Friends or not, I loved your eyes. I loved how they would crinkle up in the corner when you smiled. I have a theory and I remember telling you this. A person who has a beautiful smile has a beautiful heart.  I remember you had laughed. 

“So who has the most wonderful smile in our campus” you asked while we were at the college terrace.

“You know the answer” I had rolled my eyes and punched you lightly on your ear.

“Monkey Mukherjee” You said and smiled. Was there sadness in that smile?

“It is Mayank Mukherjee and yes, ten on ten for your answer. He has the most beautiful smile in the whole campus, whole India, whole world, whole …”

You closed my mouth with your palm. “Enough Sharma!”

Oh don’t you know? It was in the papers the other day – Mayank Mukherjee named the most handsome guy in the whole freaking planet”

“Funny!” You said without laughing and started walking away. “Want a lift home?” You called out.

“Yes” I grabbed my bag and ran behind you.

These are the small moments that I remember of you, of us. The day when you acted as the peace messiah between me and Naina when we fought over that black dress or the day when you helped me understand the whole chapter of network theorems.

“I am a lost cause Sameer. I will fail... don’t bother” I was tired, weak and above all hopeless.

“Sharma you are already doing really well! Not much is left...Come on” You had held my head in your hands and smiled – the world’s most beautiful smile. Only I was still oblivious to it.

Naina had claimed that she distinctly remembers how you hated the subject yourself when you were studying it. But you went through it again – just for me.  

I was the silly 20 year old who was following her crush like a little puppy everywhere he went.  Mayank was the heart throb of almost every girl in college. I was one among them. Naina – my strongest pillar tried her best to protect me. But one can only do so much. No matter how much she tried, I was sure that Mayank would one day look at me, at least acknowledge my existence.  It was not long before the universe had granted me my wish, or so I thought.  Oh yes, Mayank and I were in a “relationship” – a secret relationship.

Do you remember that day when we sat at the steps of the old library? It was yet another day when Mayank had refused to talk to me in front of everyone and it was yet another day when you sat there by my side. I wanted to talk to Naina, but you told me she was out with her Dad. I wonder if she asked you to tell me this. I wonder if she knew that you were the right person to be with me that day.

“But I love him!” I had cried like a dejected fifteen year old.

“I thought you guys were going around” You said,

“I thought so too. But I guess he has other plans”  

Something struck me odd. “But when did you ….?”

“I know Sharma  ... I know about you and Mayank. And since the day you have loved him, I have loved you … maybe earlier than that.”  

For my 20 year old heart, Mayank’s hurt was too deep to register your words. Both of us sat there -- two broken hearts, sitting in silence, staring at nothingness.

Today, I laugh when I think about how stupid I was. I might have gained some sense over the years, but I lost you. By the time I would realise that the twinkle in your eye was your love for me, you had moved on – with her. I cannot blame you. I tried hating her but how can I? I see the same twinkle in your eyes today, as we sit across tables.  You do not notice me. You are too busy looking at her, pampering her, smiling at her.

Please don’t get me wrong. My life is good. I have a good job and I did have relationships in my life. But none of them were you. No one called me Sharma; no one sat with me and my best friend to help us decide what to wear, when he had nothing to do with the party. No one listened to my endless banter, nodding at the right places, listening in rapt attention. No one’s eyes twinkled when they saw me. No one ever looked at me across the room and smiled, assuring me that they were there for me.

Your flight is announced and you pick your bag as you get up. She gets up too. You hold hands and I see dark red Henna on her hands.

“Congratulations Sameer” I whisper.

I get back to my drink ...whatever it is. My flight will be announced soon.

 You never saw me. Ten years ago, this fact may not have mattered to me. Today it is enough to blur my vision with a single tear drop.

Q & A -- Day 16

I am cheating today. Today's post is not really a piece of writing. But I love to answer such arbitrary questions. For my 16th Day, I present to you a few details about myself and my life that you may not want to give a shit about. But well! Here goes nothing !

1. What is something you hate but you wished you loved?

Exercising. I hate to do it and how I wish I loved it. I know at least 2 guys who would prefer exercising as a way to kill time. I am really jealous of these 2 people.

2. Where do you go and what do you do to wind down/relax?

Sit at home, read and relax.

3. If a movie was made about your life, what actor/actress would play you?

Katrina Kaif. We share the same birthday and I wish I was as pretty as her. Also, my life does not have a lot of drama. It will not require a great actress. 

4. If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?

A Tomato

5. If you woke up tomorrow as an animal, what animal would you choose to be?

A migratory Bird

6. If you could live anywhere on this planet, and take anything that you love with you, where would you choose to live?

Githeroon Or Dublin Or any small beautiful town in Europe.

7. Are you where you thought you’d be at this point in your life?

I never gave it so much of a thought but no. I am far behind.

10. What do you think is the best age to get married?

At whatever age you find the right person or maybe whenever you figure out life or when both happen.

11. What is your favorite chewing gum flavor?

I hate gum.

12. What is your dream job?

Travel Journalist or a content writer in a travel channel

13. What was the first thing you bought with your first paycheck?

Diamond earrings for mom.

14. What is one thing you thought existed but it actually doesn’t?

I used to think my toys have life in them and they wake up after I sleep.

15. How’s life?

It can be better.

16. What song do you secretly like but won’t admit it elsewhere?

I will not admit it here as well

17. What’s the earliest memory you have of your life?

Eating wood while my mom was in shower.

18. What is the one thing you can’t do, no matter how hard you try?

Calculate mentally

19. What was the single, best realization you have ever had?

I am married to a wonderful man.

20. What are your three biggest life goals right now?

Write, See the world and earn a lot of money.

21. What’s one song you will never skip on your playlist?

Any song by Mohit Chauhan

22. If you were guaranteed the correct answer to one question, what would you ask?

Do I have it in me to make it big?

23. What product do you think the world could go on without?

Selfie Sticks

24. If one animal was made the size of an elephant, which would be the scariest?

Komodo dragons, cockroaches, mice, house flies – a lot of them

25. What is your most interesting hobby?

Reading. Of course it is interesting.

26. What is one thing you do to get motivated?

Surf Self Improvement Websites

27. What is the worst song lyric you have ever heard?

 Bhagwaan ki daya se Grammy leke aaunga – or something in the same lines by Honey Singh. Actually anything by Honey Singh. I have stopped listening to him. So cannot really pin point much.

28. What was your favorite toy as a child?

Magic Rings

29. What are questions that you don’t like to answer?

How much do you earn?

30. What are you scared of?

Failure. I know it's lame but well!

31. What was your most irrational fear as a child?

That I will drown in the swimming pool

32. What is something you get wrong almost every time you do it?

How much change I am supposed to get back

33. What is something beautiful you see every day?

The moon

34. What things do you do every day that you wish were automated?

Hunt/ Decide about what to wear.

35. What smells make you happy?

Petrichor -- The smell of earth after the rains.

36. What is your favorite word in the English language?

Juxtaposition

37. What is the social event you hate the most?

People dancing to loud music in a dark room. I never get the point of it.

38. If you could visit any fictional town, what would it be?

Godric’s hollow or even Star's hollow. The first is a fictional town where Harry Potter's parents lived and second is a fictional town where the story of Gilmore Girls is set. The familiarity in the names is totally coincidental.

39. What is the craziest thing you’ve seen somebody do at the workplace?

Apparently, a girl was asking fellow colleagues if they have “extra shoes” because hers were broken.

40. What is your current desktop wallpaper?

A picture of beautiful scenery by the lake side.

41. What is the most cliché thing you have done in your life?

Took mathematics; Joined Engineering; Got selected in Campus; became an IT professional

42. What is the word you absolutely hate people for using?

“Today Night” It is “Tonight” people!

43. Give me your deepest, most profound quote you just made up.

Alone is not lonely.

44. Do you “genuinely” think you are attractive?

No way!!

45. When is the last time you cried?

Last to Last Friday

46. What is the most famous person you have ever met?

Some DJ. I forgot his name now. But I got a picture with him. He was damn good looking!

47. What is your “happy” song?

Say Hey by Micahel Franti and Spearhead

48. Do you have something that you find strangely relaxing?

Surfing the net purposelessly

49. What made you smile today?

This colleague’s home internet was not working. He was instructing his wife (rather loudly and in front of every one) on the phone to have a look at it.

Him : Go to the router. Pick it up in your hand.

Another Colleague: And throw it on the ground

This made me laugh – really laugh!

50. What is your “go-to” joke?

 “One is supposed to eat almonds to increase his memory. But who will remind you to eat the almonds?” I say this every time to my husband when he soaks almonds in water. And I laugh every time.

51. What is the worst thing your mom caught you doing as a kid?

Nothing really. I was a pretty obedient child.

52. What simple changes have made your life better?

Daily application of a face mask made of honey and turmeric. It has made my skin better – life; not as such.

53. What incredibly common thing in life terrifies you?

Crossing the road

54. If you had the opportunity to spend a year in another country, where would you go?

Ireland!!

55. What would you do if you had a working time machine?

Go to Jhansi and meet Rani Lakshmi Bai, See the old Delhi and now even the old South of India. Oh and also attend a class at Nalanda and Takshsila.

56. What are your three biggest life goals right now?

Write, see the world and earn shit loads of money

57. What do you think is the ultimate waste of your money?

Tipping

58. What would you do if you had no money?

Beg from my father!

59. What is your favorite three-word sentence?

I did it!

60. What is the funniest movie you have ever seen?

Andaz Apna Apna

61. What is legal that you think should be illegal?

Smoking Cigarettes

62. If you had to live a week without internet, what will you do to keep yourself busy?

Watch Movies and read. Maybe socialize a bit more.

63. What do you think is the best feeling in the world?

Laughing till your stomach hurts and eyes water

64. What is the worst advice you have ever been given?

“Go join that IBM project in Delhi.” Worst Decision ever!

65. What was your turning point to a more active life?

When I decided to “Do it right now!”

66. What is your best piece of advice?

Write everyday, Join writer’s meetup and exercise

67. What is something that you seriously take for granted?

Being physically fit. Having no handicap or ailments. It should be something we should Thank God for. We hardly do.

68. What is your favorite drink?

Water and aam ka panna

69. What is your worst experience in a foreign country?

At the Miami airport, I thought I had given away my bags at the wrong conveyor belt. I kind of created a scene there. My fears were irrational though.

70. What would you do if you could do anything for 8 hours a day for the rest of your life, assuming money were no object?

Travel, write, read and watch movies!!

71. What is the biggest waste of time in your life?

Commuting everyday

72. What is the biggest change you want to make in your life?

Increase my self-esteem. It is so low that I can’t seem to find it.