I clearly remember a day, usually not worth remembering. I was sitting in the office, upset and frustrated with something, wanting to run away from the world, from everything. I remember opening google and searching for Vipassana. I remember booking a slot. Although what I don’t remember is how did I know about Vipassana. I seriously have no clue. But, in the last five years, I have booked and cancelled Vipassana at least 3 times. Twice, I chickened out. Once, I was being sent to Chennai for Visa processing. Finally, this time, my stars aligned in the perfect position so that I could make a journey to Dasanapura in Bangalore and thus make a journey inside. These 10 days were different – almost indescribable. The experience is very very subjective. It can be 100 different things to 100 different people. I was one of them too. And this is my story.
The rules -- Vipassana is a technique of meditation and it is taught in centres where a person has to take residence for 10 days in the meditation centre. You are not allowed to have a phone, bring books or any writing material. There is also no music and obviously no Television. You cannot get in touch with your family members and neither can they get hold of you unless of course there is an emergency. One also takes a vow of silence in the 10 days where you do not talk to other participants, do not look at them, smile at them and definitely do not touch them. Men and Women are completely separate as well. All you do is meditate, eat and sleep. It sounds pretty tyrant-y but it is not. The idea is to keep one away from all possible distractions and focus only on a single thing.
The packing – Although one can easily do laundry there, I preferred to take clothes that would last me for 10 days. They list a lot of things that you should be taking-- like a torch and an umbrella. It will be also helpful if you take Odomos, a comfortable pair of slippers, extra soap to wash hands and socks. The most important thing, however, would be a pain relief spray. I had a minor accident before going to the camp and so the husband packed a pain relief spray for me. I had hurt my lower back in the accident and he wanted me to have it in case the long hours of sitting brings back the pain. The lower back pain did not come back, but a lot of other pains did emerge.
The silence – I talk – a lot. In fact, when I told a friend, also an ex-roommate, that I was planning for a Vipassana camp, the first thing she told me was, “How do you plan to stay quiet? You even talk in your sleep!” Honestly and surprisingly, not talking was not an issue at all. For what it’s worth, it was actually good. Not talking to anyone around me was a relief. There were no unnecessary small talks, no obligatory smiles, no “Oh I forgot smiling at her, now what will she think”, nothing at all!! . Like I said earlier, I longed to stay in a place where no one cares about me and I don’t have to care about anyone. It was a complete disassociation with the world and it was blissful. It was just me and my thoughts. I wish it was just me but my thoughts tag along with me everywhere I go and there is pretty much nothing I can do about it
The schedule – Following was the schedule:
4:00
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Get Up
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4:30-6
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Meditate
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6-6:30
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Chanting from Goenka
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6:30-8
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Breakfast/bathing/resting
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8:00-9:00
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Group Sitting Meditation
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9:00-11:00
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Meditate in hall
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11:00-1:00
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Lunch/Rest
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1:00-2:30
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Meditate in hall
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2:30-3:30
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Group Sitting Meditation
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3:30-5
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Meditate in hall
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5:00-6:00
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Tea/Rest
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6:00-7:00
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Group Sitting Meditation
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7:00-8:30
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Teacher's discourse
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8:30-9:00
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Meditate in hall
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9:00
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Day over
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The Experience -- For the first three days, all you do is annapanna technique of meditation, which means focusing on the moustache area to feel the breath and any other sensation that comes along with it. I never felt the same every day or even every moment. The first day was confusing. We were just getting to know the schedule. The second day was again pretty neutral. I was going with the flow – making sure that I am getting the schedule and instructions right. The trouble began on the third day. I was okay with not talking, but obviously, I was far far away from my comfort zone. I wanted to go back there. I wanted familiar faces around. I wanted to surf the internet, know what’s happening in the world.
The fourth day was worse. It was actually the most painful day among all the 10 days. This is the day you are taught Vipassana. The first instruction was to try and not move. Then the voice of Goenka booms across the hall, asking you to scan the body from the top of the head to the tip of the toe and to look for sensations. As he walked us through each body part separately, the only sensation I felt was pain – pain and numbness. Whatever Goenka said was being translated in Kannada, hence increasing the duration of the session. That was hurting me more. By the time we were done with the whole session, the back of my neck, the centre of my back, my knees and my feet were throbbing in pain. I still had not thought of my pain relief spray until I smelt it on someone. That’s when I ran to my room (actually limped as fast as I could) to use it. Thankfully, the solution that I had was non-sticky and would evaporate fast. So, nothing would get transferred on my clothes.
On the fifth day, I saw a carrier auto coming inside. I wanted to go up to the driver and ask him to wait while I pack my stuff and then he could drop me anywhere. "I don't want to be here.“This was a mistake" I thought while coming back from a 5 min pee break. “Why are we doing the body scanning? What are we going to get out of it?” That’s when I panicked. I took a deep breath and calmed down. “Let me hear today’s discourse and if I don’t find satisfactory answers, I am heading home,” I told myself. Interestingly, there were no definitive answers in the discourse. But from what was being spoken, I knew there was so much more to this technique. So I stayed. And I am glad.
The sixth day was pretty neutral. I was neither happy being there, nor was I agitated. Maybe it was the meditation. Maybe, the discourses, maybe logic or maybe everything together. Day seven was actually good. I felt calm, happy. I had a few story ideas. While meditating, I had a few ideas for problems I was facing in my life. It felt nice – like getting closure, like entering a clean room after cleaning years of mess. Rest of the days were a see-saw again. We were so close to the end and yet it was not over. Sometimes, I would get restless. At one point, I was so worried about work, that I started sweating. I had to calm myself down. “Everything is okay. “ I told myself. Finally, walking, running, falling, strolling, we reached day 10. The day when I had a much-focused mediation session.
Throughout the 10 days, the time of discourses was the best time. Goenka is more like those cute grandfathers who love telling stories. But I did find a lot of sense in the content of the discourses. Sometimes, there were things I did not agree with, like his view on sexuality or some other things, but I took them with a pinch of salt. There is no force to accept anything being said. You can choose and take only what you agree with.
Calming the mind – People, books and text compare the mind to a drunk monkey bitten by a scorpion. What an apt description! My thoughts would jump from one topic to another. Another thought would usually wait in the queue before I would even finish the current at hand. At one point, I remember yelling at myself, ‘How much do you talk! Can you just be quiet for 2 minutes?” Ironically, this comes when I am quiet outwardly for days together and in the normal days when I can talk, I have never, ever in my 30 years scolded myself so severely. Even if I did reprimand myself for talking, it was because something I would say would land me in trouble. But never have I ever been worried about the volume of my chatter until now! But my efforts paid off – I did find 5 seconds of silence to begin with. Some days, it would last for a whole 2 minutes. Those were the good days. Only on the last day, I realised I was zoned out for a really really long time. The fun thing about zoning out is, if you know you are zoned out, you are not! The wild monkey was calm –only if for a small duration.
Expectations – As usual, I did not go to the camp expecting any miracle. I knew I am not in a position where I will see a divine light or have an out of body experience. The peace of mind for those tiny moments were enough miracles for me. In fact, most of the times, I would nor even feel the body sensations. But as Goenka puts it, “It’s all impermanent. Just observe that there is no sensation and move on. No craving, no aversion!” Thank God for equanimity!
The Food – In all the gazillion blogs that I read before going, there was no description of the food available in the Dasanapura centre. Before going there, I was a bit worried about it. Although I am not a picky eater, there are a few things that I just cannot eat. Biscuits, oats, cornflakes are a few of them. But here is the good news – the food was great. Alright, I did not like the breakfast, but the lunch was awesome! The breakfast was mostly poha, idli sambar, idli chutney, or oats and lunch was roti, dal, curry, red rice, white rice, ragi balls and buttermilk. Usually, the food was always given at a point when I was damn hungry. I never wasted the food although I made sure that I actually curb my diet because I have a slow metabolism and I was doing nothing active except sit and meditate. Oh and you are also supposed to wash your utensils.
The People – My roommate was a pretty girl who would hardly come back to the room. More often than not, she would be busy staring at nature or petting the dogs. Fortunately, we found out we had a lot in common once we started speaking. In fact, the last day, the women were chatting like there was no yesterday and there will be no tomorrow. It was a little disheartening to see people lost in their mobile phones as soon as the noble silence was lifted up, but it was fun to see strangers becoming friends as well.
The TakeAway -- At least, as of now, I have been getting up every morning to meditate. Even if one does not take the technique, take the discipline. I took Annapana. I took the beautiful teachings. I took the stillness. Unless you are very blocked with your own version of things, the 10-day retreat can teach you many things!
I can go on and on about so many things
about this experience. But it would be most unfair to call it good or bad.
Because it is not a holiday. It is not somewhere you go to take a break. We
don't realise it, but just being with our minds all alone , with nothing to
distract is damn scary. Sitting cross-legged with a straight back was and is
painful. But like all other things, it becomes easier as the days go by. If you
are planning to go there, you can read almost all the experiences everywhere,
yet, what you will come out with is going to be totally your personal
adventure. All I can say is one thing -- while you are there, do follow the
rules. One takes out 10 days of one's life. 10 days is a long time to be away
from family -- there is a lot of work (officially and otherwise) that one
leaves to go there. It only makes sense to give a 100% or as Goenka says,
"a fair trial" to the whole event.
