Will You Marry a Rape Survivor?

This question came up over a coffee chat among friends. A few days back, Bangalore witnessed a brutal gang rape of a BPO employee who took an unknown tempo traveler to commute locally. It is interesting to see how easily we sit in our cafeterias, sip on our coffee in paper cups and voice our opinions while someone is living the pain. What I mean to say is, it is very easy for us to say how easily that girl could have avoided what happened -- How she could have taken a cab or how she could have waited for an auto. I agree. But whatever she decided to do, nothing can justify what happened afterward.

Today, I sit here in the comfort of my office and question the society. The truth is, I am no stranger to a harassment situation. The irony is that while in Delhi, I never faced any situation that would scare me away. Going by today's standards, I was a fool in Delhi. Once I went to watch a 7:00 PM show all alone and took an Auto back home. Noida is a city full of narrow lonely lanes and the Auto driver took me through those. I was scared, but I was safe. 

On a random night, at around 8:30 PM, my roommate expressed her wish to have an ice cream. "Come," I said. The mall was at a distance of 5 minutes from our flat in a Cycle Rickshaw. She hesitated but jumped out of the bed. Two fools. When our other flatmate saw us leaving at such an ungodly hour, she asked us where are we going. "ATM", One of us blurted out. "Take cash from me, don't leave now" She had said. "We will be back before you know it." We called and ran out. We were lucky then too. We came back soon and safe, giggling and licking melting ice cream from our hands. 

In Bangalore, my chest has been ogled at, a biker slapped my chest and ran away, one actually came after me while shouting "Madam you look very sexy from back" reversed his bike to face me and say "You look sexy from the front too" and actually followed me in his vehicle while I ran in a heavily pouring rain. 

Both these days, I was lucky. I was still under my Delhi hangover and I "knew" that if nothing ever happened to me there, there is no chance in hell that I will be harmed in a safe city like Bangalore. These two incidents forced me to be afraid and careful. Recently, at 4:30 in the afternoon, I was inappropriately touched, given dirty looks and blown what I feel were air kisses (unless the guy had a pronounced pout) by the driver of a rick that I boarded. All this at a busy road of IndiraNagar. I know my lessons now. So I got down from that auto immediately. I should have shouted, I should have slapped him or as my husband says, I should have given him a taste of the pepper spray he makes sure I carry. But in that scary moment, I forgot about the pepper spray. All my instincts cried was that if I do not get down from this rickshaw, something bad might happen. 

I walked like a zombie on the streets for some time to get out of the shock of what just happened. I wanted a bath, I wanted to sanitize the parts of my arms where he had managed to touch me. I was afraid of going in another auto. Let me remind a second time -- it was 4:30 in the afternoon on a road that is known for being jammed. 

I am sorry, I digress. What happened with me was not even an iota of what any rape survivor faces. Back to the discussion over coffee, a friend said this -- "One mistake and she is scarred for life." This is where I could not agree with her. "Why is she scarred for life? Why must one incident define her future?" I asked her. "Because the society will not let her live." My friend replied.

I told her that she made the society, that I made the society. I know my thoughts were ambitious. I knew my friend was correct. I know even now that many might have a strange aversion to someone who has already gone through a horrifying incident. But can it not be just that -- an incident? Why does she have to be "scarred for life?"

While this discussion was on, my male friend was sitting quietly scrolling through his phone. I needed a male perspective. "Will you marry a rape survivor?" I asked him. He looked up from his phone and gave me a confused smile. Very slightly, he shook his head in a no. "My parents will not like it," He said. He is an educated guy. He is a really nice human being and I personally know he respects women. And he still thinks he will not be able to marry someone who has gone through a disturbing event. I was disappointed. 

"It's not about the parents. Marriage is about only the two people." I said. "No!" cried both my friends. "Marriage involves families" Alright! I said. "But if this girl is a great human being, she respects your parents, she loves and supports you, why can you not marry her?" My friend stuck to his answer. "My parents will not be able to accept it. It is difficult to change their thinking." I know their thinking would not change, I wanted to say. But is that what you think too? Will you stand up for this girl?  Or are you hiding your own thinking under the cloak of your parents' views? 

Why is it so difficult to look at these things with a little objectivity? Of course, I am not talking about marrying a rape survivor out of pity, no, of course not. But say tomorrow, your girlfriend confides in you and tells you she was raped, will you leave her? If you get an arranged marriage proposal and she tells you she was raped, will you still try and get to know her?

A lot of people, educated or otherwise, city dwellers or otherwise, think like my friend above. I cannot blame them. It's years and years of thinking in a certain way. But think about it. It is just an incident which was in no way the fault of the victim. Should we not help her/him forget about the incident rather than remind them. 

I cannot change how my friends think. I can just tell them that there is another way of thinking too. Through this post, I want to spread the word.