And When You Smile -- Day 17

I  cannot help but stare as I take a sip of whatever it is that I am drinking.  I think my tongue has scalded a bit and at the back of my mind, I register that the drink is slightly sweet. But I hardly care. I am too busy looking at you. People might want to call me a stalker but what do they know? They have no idea about the sinking feeling I get in the pit of my stomach every time I see you. I see you smiling that same smile. It has not changed after all these years. It still reaches your eyes and light them up. I hear you and you still sound the same calm sorted out person whom I would run to for every little thing.

College – those beautiful days, when life was indeed a box of chocolates. You were Naina’s cousin. So we knew each other as long as I can remember. But I don’t remember when we moved on from “my best friend’s cousin to my friend”. Was it that day in the library when I was almost on the verge of tears, because I could not figure out the physics derivation and you helped? Or was it that day when your friends asked me to dance on the canteen table, as a part of a playful ragging dare and you stood there silently looking at me, smiling? I do remember the many moments when we would bump into each other -- Sometimes in the corridors, sometimes in college events and sometimes at your home.  Of course for me it was Naina’s home, which was my almost –second home.

It was always there in your eyes. Every one saw it, even Naina.  How was I to know?  We were poles apart, actually worlds apart. You were every one’s favourite.  And why not? Every guy with a guitar is popular – so were you.  After the event of Udaan 2013, Naina kept teasing me for a whole week. She said you sang Bruno Mars’s ‘just the way you are’ while looking at me the whole time. I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could have seen you, the way you saw me. Friends or not, I loved your eyes. I loved how they would crinkle up in the corner when you smiled. I have a theory and I remember telling you this. A person who has a beautiful smile has a beautiful heart.  I remember you had laughed. 

“So who has the most wonderful smile in our campus” you asked while we were at the college terrace.

“You know the answer” I had rolled my eyes and punched you lightly on your ear.

“Monkey Mukherjee” You said and smiled. Was there sadness in that smile?

“It is Mayank Mukherjee and yes, ten on ten for your answer. He has the most beautiful smile in the whole campus, whole India, whole world, whole …”

You closed my mouth with your palm. “Enough Sharma!”

Oh don’t you know? It was in the papers the other day – Mayank Mukherjee named the most handsome guy in the whole freaking planet”

“Funny!” You said without laughing and started walking away. “Want a lift home?” You called out.

“Yes” I grabbed my bag and ran behind you.

These are the small moments that I remember of you, of us. The day when you acted as the peace messiah between me and Naina when we fought over that black dress or the day when you helped me understand the whole chapter of network theorems.

“I am a lost cause Sameer. I will fail... don’t bother” I was tired, weak and above all hopeless.

“Sharma you are already doing really well! Not much is left...Come on” You had held my head in your hands and smiled – the world’s most beautiful smile. Only I was still oblivious to it.

Naina had claimed that she distinctly remembers how you hated the subject yourself when you were studying it. But you went through it again – just for me.  

I was the silly 20 year old who was following her crush like a little puppy everywhere he went.  Mayank was the heart throb of almost every girl in college. I was one among them. Naina – my strongest pillar tried her best to protect me. But one can only do so much. No matter how much she tried, I was sure that Mayank would one day look at me, at least acknowledge my existence.  It was not long before the universe had granted me my wish, or so I thought.  Oh yes, Mayank and I were in a “relationship” – a secret relationship.

Do you remember that day when we sat at the steps of the old library? It was yet another day when Mayank had refused to talk to me in front of everyone and it was yet another day when you sat there by my side. I wanted to talk to Naina, but you told me she was out with her Dad. I wonder if she asked you to tell me this. I wonder if she knew that you were the right person to be with me that day.

“But I love him!” I had cried like a dejected fifteen year old.

“I thought you guys were going around” You said,

“I thought so too. But I guess he has other plans”  

Something struck me odd. “But when did you ….?”

“I know Sharma  ... I know about you and Mayank. And since the day you have loved him, I have loved you … maybe earlier than that.”  

For my 20 year old heart, Mayank’s hurt was too deep to register your words. Both of us sat there -- two broken hearts, sitting in silence, staring at nothingness.

Today, I laugh when I think about how stupid I was. I might have gained some sense over the years, but I lost you. By the time I would realise that the twinkle in your eye was your love for me, you had moved on – with her. I cannot blame you. I tried hating her but how can I? I see the same twinkle in your eyes today, as we sit across tables.  You do not notice me. You are too busy looking at her, pampering her, smiling at her.

Please don’t get me wrong. My life is good. I have a good job and I did have relationships in my life. But none of them were you. No one called me Sharma; no one sat with me and my best friend to help us decide what to wear, when he had nothing to do with the party. No one listened to my endless banter, nodding at the right places, listening in rapt attention. No one’s eyes twinkled when they saw me. No one ever looked at me across the room and smiled, assuring me that they were there for me.

Your flight is announced and you pick your bag as you get up. She gets up too. You hold hands and I see dark red Henna on her hands.

“Congratulations Sameer” I whisper.

I get back to my drink ...whatever it is. My flight will be announced soon.

 You never saw me. Ten years ago, this fact may not have mattered to me. Today it is enough to blur my vision with a single tear drop.