"Shivansh !! " Anu shouted, slamming the cupboard close.
No answer.
"Shivansh, Will you learn how to close the cupboard only after I get hit with it?" No answer yet.
"Am I talking to the walls here?" Anu said, walking out of the room. frowning.
'Yes, you are'. Said the voice in her head.
'Admit it'.
"No" She said , out loud.
'He is gone. Stop pretending'.
Anu felt herself going weak as she stumbled to find something to sit on. She sat on the arm of the huge sofa in her living room.Pressing her lips together, she tried to blink away the tears.
'Cry Anu, it is okay'.
"No it's not"
'Anu, Shivansh is not here. He cannot come here, even if you want, even if he wants'.
"Stop it!" "Stop it,stop it,stop it"!. Anu said, as her face contracted in a wince. She held her head as if trying to stop the thoughts. More than anything, she wanted the voices in her head to stop nagging her, reminding her the truth.
She does not remember crying after she was told about the accident. There were always reasons. There was always something to be done - the cremation to be arranged, the relatives to manage, the death certificate to be collected -- since that day, she had always been busy. She carried out everything like they were just usual chores one is supposed to do. "She is so strong" People wold whisper as she crossed them. she pretended as if she did not hear them. Little did they know she was as strong as a house of cards in a storm.
The day every body had left was the day silence took over. She could now clearly hear the voice.
'Sit down , give yourself the time to mourn. You need it.'
"What I need is -- you not sitting inside my head giving me instructions on how to live" Anu almost raised her voice.
It was easy in office. She could close her ears -- Start talking to a colleague, work an hour late, attend that unnecessarily extra meeting. At home however, the voice would take over again.
'You should wallow. Cry. Stop acting'.
"How!!" Anu said, still sitting on the arm of the sofa. "Who can say he is not here?"
'Stop leaving the cupboard door opened like he did, to begin with'.
"Yes, he would always forget that." She smiled at the memory. She knew she was talking to herself, she was talking to an empty room. But she needed to speak, to talk.
"Look, his helmet is still where he left it last, his t-shirts still crumpled up in the laundry bag. His passport, documents, marksheets --his shaving kit. They are all here like somebody used them only this morning. How do I accept that he is gone?"
'He is gone Anu -- because he is not here to leave the cupboard door open anymore. He is not here to fight over a remote control during the IPL season. He is not going to hug you anymore, to run his fingers through your hair. He is not here to tell you how beautiful you look or how lovely your dress is -- he is not here to insist on how lucky he is to have you --even though you used to argue otherwise. He leaves his memories with you, his touch. Remember him so that he helps you live Anu. Denying his death is denying his memories, denying all the wonderful days you spent together. Give him the respect he deserves.'
Anu never realised when her eyes turned into puddles of tears. She did not realize when she slipped from the arm of the sofa to the ground. But she knew that she needed to wallow, like her voice said.
When she was done, Anu walked towards her room. She crossed the cupboard, but then walked back . She opened the door of the cupboard and left it as it is. "One day -- just one more day, I pretend that you are still here"
Crying her heart out didn't relieve her of the constant pain she felt in her chest. But she was able to smile.
No answer.
"Shivansh, Will you learn how to close the cupboard only after I get hit with it?" No answer yet.
"Am I talking to the walls here?" Anu said, walking out of the room. frowning.
'Yes, you are'. Said the voice in her head.
'Admit it'.
"No" She said , out loud.
'He is gone. Stop pretending'.
Anu felt herself going weak as she stumbled to find something to sit on. She sat on the arm of the huge sofa in her living room.Pressing her lips together, she tried to blink away the tears.
'Cry Anu, it is okay'.
"No it's not"
'Anu, Shivansh is not here. He cannot come here, even if you want, even if he wants'.
"Stop it!" "Stop it,stop it,stop it"!. Anu said, as her face contracted in a wince. She held her head as if trying to stop the thoughts. More than anything, she wanted the voices in her head to stop nagging her, reminding her the truth.
She does not remember crying after she was told about the accident. There were always reasons. There was always something to be done - the cremation to be arranged, the relatives to manage, the death certificate to be collected -- since that day, she had always been busy. She carried out everything like they were just usual chores one is supposed to do. "She is so strong" People wold whisper as she crossed them. she pretended as if she did not hear them. Little did they know she was as strong as a house of cards in a storm.
The day every body had left was the day silence took over. She could now clearly hear the voice.
'Sit down , give yourself the time to mourn. You need it.'
"What I need is -- you not sitting inside my head giving me instructions on how to live" Anu almost raised her voice.
It was easy in office. She could close her ears -- Start talking to a colleague, work an hour late, attend that unnecessarily extra meeting. At home however, the voice would take over again.
'You should wallow. Cry. Stop acting'.
"How!!" Anu said, still sitting on the arm of the sofa. "Who can say he is not here?"
'Stop leaving the cupboard door opened like he did, to begin with'.
"Yes, he would always forget that." She smiled at the memory. She knew she was talking to herself, she was talking to an empty room. But she needed to speak, to talk.
"Look, his helmet is still where he left it last, his t-shirts still crumpled up in the laundry bag. His passport, documents, marksheets --his shaving kit. They are all here like somebody used them only this morning. How do I accept that he is gone?"
'He is gone Anu -- because he is not here to leave the cupboard door open anymore. He is not here to fight over a remote control during the IPL season. He is not going to hug you anymore, to run his fingers through your hair. He is not here to tell you how beautiful you look or how lovely your dress is -- he is not here to insist on how lucky he is to have you --even though you used to argue otherwise. He leaves his memories with you, his touch. Remember him so that he helps you live Anu. Denying his death is denying his memories, denying all the wonderful days you spent together. Give him the respect he deserves.'
Anu never realised when her eyes turned into puddles of tears. She did not realize when she slipped from the arm of the sofa to the ground. But she knew that she needed to wallow, like her voice said.
When she was done, Anu walked towards her room. She crossed the cupboard, but then walked back . She opened the door of the cupboard and left it as it is. "One day -- just one more day, I pretend that you are still here"
Crying her heart out didn't relieve her of the constant pain she felt in her chest. But she was able to smile.
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