6 weekends of an alternate life

Why would I be interested in a theatre workshop? I, who was scared of going up in front of a class full of trainees and just saying "Class, lets break for 5 mins!" I, who can't even read her own piece in a casual writer's club environment without getting my heartbeat high. I cannot emote and my hands and voice shake when I am in front of public. So why did I even consider a theatre workshop? Why would I leave my 6 weeks of writer's meet up to do something I know I am not even remotely capable of? Reasons evade me. Maybe I wanted to do something different. Maybe I wanted to take a risk .. maybe I just wanted to test the waters - dip the smallest point of my feet in and back away, without as much creating a puddle. But that was not to happen. Once in, I couldn't pull back and surprisingly I didn't want to.

In the workshop, I was allowed to be anything -- in fact I was encouraged to be anything or anyone else but me. I was an old woman almost at her death bed, yet fighting for a license renewal. I was a minister fighting in Parliament. I was a 100 rupee note narrating my experience of how it exchanged hands and finally I was Mallika Desai -- the eager film maker sitting for an interview, who had the guts to stand up and say "I don't like that question. I don't think it even deserves an answer. Good day!" as she walks away to the background music of "Main chali , main chali , dekho pyaar ki gali ..." In the last 6 weeks, I was all that and much more. I used a bottle as a golf club and a ball of imaginary clay to make an earthen pot. I used a pen cap as a mike and saw a ladder getting converted into a boat. For me, the best part was that I could talk in my normal voice and no body flinched, asking me to keep it down! Surprisingly, they wanted me to be louder. Oh the feeling of liberation! I was in the world of make believe and I loved every moment of it.

I was among strangers. I was among hoteliers, accountants, NGO workers, educators and Pro tennis players. It is interesting to see people bond. It is more interesting to see people craving for the company of the same people who till a few weeks ago were strangers. Some new relations flourish and some old ones fade out and die. Strange is the human psychology. Towards the end of the workshop, taking the certificate, hooting, shouting,chanting each other's names ... I was among friends!

I had seen plays before -- a lot of plays. I would admire the expressions, the voice, the precision, the timing and most of all the guts! But I had never "experienced" it until now. The environment backstage is electrifying. Everyone hugging everyone, encouraging, wishing the best and rooting for each other. After a very long time, I was in a totally selfless environment. There was no competition. No body wanted to be better than anybody. All of us had come together to learn a few things, have fun and put up ONE great show together and I guess we did. We fumbled, forgot our lines, were too low on volume for our directors' liking, but we managed because of our directors. The 5 wonderful people who had come together to form Tahatto -- the theatre group.

The moment on stage is surreal. It felt like I was there performing, yet I was not there. On my first show, my hands were shaking and I fucked up the very first dialogue. But I survived. On the second show, there was a strange calmness. The only time my heart did a jump was when I stepped in front of the audience in the dark. Then the lights came on and Mallika Desai took over and I let her. I stood by and watched as she got happy, sad and angry on my behalf. I just came back for the curtain call, thanking the audience for being nice enough to come and see a bunch of first timers. As Prashanth rightly said, "Don't take away any theatre lesson with you .. don't remember the body hooks, the monkey faces, the voice in the range of 6,7,8, and 9. But do remember the feeling of humility that 80 people took time out of their lives, spent their money to see you perform." The thought is scary and exhilarating in equal measures.

I am not sure what is next. I am not sure if I will do any other play now, ever or never. But I know I can go in front of a minimum 80 people and not have a quivering voice. I can smile and look nervous. I can look irritated and angry on demand(Atleast I think I can). I never knew this about myself! Of course I will have to start all over again if I dare to do theatre once more. But I never knew I could do it even once. So there! After almost 30 years of my life, I am reinventing myself. I want to do this and that and that and this. I want to write and perform and travel and yet be a datastage certified professional. I want to take part in Harry Potter quizes and still read all the books I can lay my hands on. I am a bit late in life, yet I am happy I decided to take a step in a direction seemingly not meant for me. See you in the beyond!