Motherhood

I may be the worst mother in the world. No, I don't hate my kids. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish them away. Sometimes, I want peace ..maybe just for a few moments. I want to read a book without having to attend to two wailing , crying children. I want to sleep peacefully ...not catch up with a quick nap and wake up with a start to find out that one has probably pushed another and the other is now nursing a bleeding knee -- a situation when it is difficult to decide whom to whack, if that was an option at all!

Unlike many other women, I was scared to death when I realized I was pregnant. My fear knew no bounds when I realized I was expecting twins. Suddenly, my husband and I were not the cool couple who could go out anywhere and anytime they wanted to. My children did bring a lot of joy in my life. For a fraction of second when someone asks a silly question (Mom, Why do you and dad live together, Mom, why is the moon following me, Can I color the leaves blue mama? ) or when I have small hands wrapped around me for a hug. It seems beautiful like a dream. But then it all crashes down and hits the floor with a thud!! After sometime one has spilled milk on the new table cloth and the other is barfing away all his food to glory.

Maybe, my kids are special -- special in creating a ruckus everywhere they go. Despite many lessons, in every way a lesson can be given, the son ends up getting a note from his teacher, talking about how hyperactive he is. The daughter is a tad bit behaved , at least when it comes to behaving in public. Thankfully! At home however, she is brash and rowdy. Once she came to me with the weirdest statement I was to hear in my 30 years of life. "Mom, there is cake in my ear! " She said. "You have a what, where"? I asked, baffled!

"A cake in my ear."

Just to be sure, I checked. And sure enough, my little girl was right. There it was, a tiny piece of chocolate cake in her ear.

"Baby?", I turned her towards me and sat to her level. " Why is there cake in your ear?" I asked her, half amused, half angry and shocked.

"I gave my ear a little piece of my friend's birthday cake." She said.

"The birthday you went in yesterday?"

"Yes", she said , completely nonchalant.

"So this piece of cake was in your ear since last evening?"

"Hmm Hmm"

I took a deep breath. "Why did you 'give a little piece' of cake to your ear, sweety?" I asked, with the most honest curiosity and concern.

"We give our mouths food to eat. But we never give anything to our ears. They must feel hungry too, won't they?" She asked.

I was not sure if I should be shocked anymore.


It's difficult to bring up children, specially when you realize that you are not only raising children. You are dealing with two individuals, of minds and personalities of their own and every little decision you take, concerning them or even yourself, will shape their course and make the adults that they will be. Parent hood has its own ups and downs.But this is not a job where you can slack ...even for a moment, because obviously you responsible for an entire human life. Or as in my case, two.

That's the pressure that sometimes I just cannot take. and maybe that's why I am the worst mother in the world. I think I must go ... I hear screeching and wailing noises ... why do they sound so familiar?


Addendum : Ok .. This is seriously funny!! I have had TWO of my really good friends asking me if that is me in the "I" of that post !! S here is the real deal -- this incident is something which I discussed me with my sister and the cake incident is a dialouge between her and her daughter Lona. Only, in reality there was a samosa in her ear! I hope things are clear now :)

Where are the Heroes?

Vijender Singh apparently took drugs some 12 odd times, Oscar Pistorius has been accused of murdering his girlfriend and Lance Armstrong for sure had been fooling the world for all these years. He even had the audacity of writing "Its not about the bike" projecting himself as the survivor who won or the winner who survived. Unfortunately, in this very blog, I had expressed a desire to have a cup of tea with Armstrong , so that I can know exactly how a winner prepares. I still want to have that cup of tea with him and ask him ... Why?


Why was winning so important that you had to sell your soul for it? And how exactly did you manage to look at your own self in the mirror and meet the eye? Does it not pinch? Did you really celebrate all those 17 victories? Did you ever ask yourself, "Do I really deserve this -- the accolades, the hero worship, the fan following, all the youth who look up to me.. Am I really up there? Or am I down below, having stooped to the level of losing the last figment of conscience and shame, supposed to be present in a decent human being?"

I am angry and disappointed. I am no sport person. But I really look up to these people, in awe of their strength, both mental and physical, sometimes the former being a tad bit more than the latter. Then, out of nowhere news like these about sports persons shatters their image in my head. Although nothing has been proven about Vijender Singh, yet I think, "There is no smoke without fire".

The youth today needs a hero in India. We all need heroes in India. More specifically, we need heroes who live with an untarnished image all their lives. How difficult is it to live an honest life? To not dope, kill, not cheat your spouse? Or even if it is difficult to remain chaste, why project the wrong image? Is it not always good to come clean? I admire Arvind Kejriwal -- but now I am scared he will come out with his set of controversies. I am also in awe of Sachin Tendulkar, but again, who knows what goes inside the dressing room?

Every time a similar controversy crops up, it shakes my faith in the rest of the ‘heroes’. They are the people who with perseverance and grit achieve something that most of us only dream about. They have hoards of youngsters following them on the sports field, wanting to grow up and be like them. Every lane in India has kids playing cricket to the likes of Dravid or Sachin. They have fans who spend days and hours sitting at the edge of their seats to just watch them make that one century or score that goal or win that race. Thanks to Vijender Singh, many like him could dream of another sport being given more if not equal respect than cricket in India. Now, the same person stands with head hung in shame and so does the name of an entire sport.

And then there are the other set of people like Raghu and Ranvijay, who for some unknown reason are the self-proclaimed judges of youth today and all I can see them teaching the younger generation is anger, aggression and lots and lots and lots of swear words. I am left with actors like SRK who carry arrogance as their halo. Actors anyway are better left with their fictional characters. I am left with politicians who love mudslinging on each other as opposed to competitors like Obama and Romney who, with all their dignity, respect their opposition -- at least in media. Leaders who instead of guiding the nation towards prosperity are too busy filling their own bank accounts.

There is far too much of negativity surrounding us than probably needed. The news papers are full of scams, rapes, violence and bitterness. All the tv soaps air some manipulative crooks or family feuds or betrayed relationships. Sports was one place people would play fair or with ‘sportsman spirit’ as it was called. But I guess, they too have sold their spirits now and joined the bandwagon. In this scenario, where does one look for goodness, where do you seek something more stimulating and encouraging.

We deserve to be happy, we deserve to listen to good news, and we deserve a more constructive environment that motivates us to improve our lives. Maybe for all this we have to stop looking outside. Maybe we have to stop searching for heroes. Maybe we have to stop waiting for others to inspire us. Maybe it’s time we enthuse ourselves to do something bigger and better. Maybe it’s time to look within and see how each and everyone of us can be a role model, without being swayed by debauchery.

PS: Ambika!! Thank you for the corrections/additions!! :)