Motherhood

I may be the worst mother in the world. No, I don't hate my kids. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish them away. Sometimes, I want peace ..maybe just for a few moments. I want to read a book without having to attend to two wailing , crying children. I want to sleep peacefully ...not catch up with a quick nap and wake up with a start to find out that one has probably pushed another and the other is now nursing a bleeding knee -- a situation when it is difficult to decide whom to whack, if that was an option at all!

Unlike many other women, I was scared to death when I realized I was pregnant. My fear knew no bounds when I realized I was expecting twins. Suddenly, my husband and I were not the cool couple who could go out anywhere and anytime they wanted to. My children did bring a lot of joy in my life. For a fraction of second when someone asks a silly question (Mom, Why do you and dad live together, Mom, why is the moon following me, Can I color the leaves blue mama? ) or when I have small hands wrapped around me for a hug. It seems beautiful like a dream. But then it all crashes down and hits the floor with a thud!! After sometime one has spilled milk on the new table cloth and the other is barfing away all his food to glory.

Maybe, my kids are special -- special in creating a ruckus everywhere they go. Despite many lessons, in every way a lesson can be given, the son ends up getting a note from his teacher, talking about how hyperactive he is. The daughter is a tad bit behaved , at least when it comes to behaving in public. Thankfully! At home however, she is brash and rowdy. Once she came to me with the weirdest statement I was to hear in my 30 years of life. "Mom, there is cake in my ear! " She said. "You have a what, where"? I asked, baffled!

"A cake in my ear."

Just to be sure, I checked. And sure enough, my little girl was right. There it was, a tiny piece of chocolate cake in her ear.

"Baby?", I turned her towards me and sat to her level. " Why is there cake in your ear?" I asked her, half amused, half angry and shocked.

"I gave my ear a little piece of my friend's birthday cake." She said.

"The birthday you went in yesterday?"

"Yes", she said , completely nonchalant.

"So this piece of cake was in your ear since last evening?"

"Hmm Hmm"

I took a deep breath. "Why did you 'give a little piece' of cake to your ear, sweety?" I asked, with the most honest curiosity and concern.

"We give our mouths food to eat. But we never give anything to our ears. They must feel hungry too, won't they?" She asked.

I was not sure if I should be shocked anymore.


It's difficult to bring up children, specially when you realize that you are not only raising children. You are dealing with two individuals, of minds and personalities of their own and every little decision you take, concerning them or even yourself, will shape their course and make the adults that they will be. Parent hood has its own ups and downs.But this is not a job where you can slack ...even for a moment, because obviously you responsible for an entire human life. Or as in my case, two.

That's the pressure that sometimes I just cannot take. and maybe that's why I am the worst mother in the world. I think I must go ... I hear screeching and wailing noises ... why do they sound so familiar?


Addendum : Ok .. This is seriously funny!! I have had TWO of my really good friends asking me if that is me in the "I" of that post !! S here is the real deal -- this incident is something which I discussed me with my sister and the cake incident is a dialouge between her and her daughter Lona. Only, in reality there was a samosa in her ear! I hope things are clear now :)

Where are the Heroes?

Vijender Singh apparently took drugs some 12 odd times, Oscar Pistorius has been accused of murdering his girlfriend and Lance Armstrong for sure had been fooling the world for all these years. He even had the audacity of writing "Its not about the bike" projecting himself as the survivor who won or the winner who survived. Unfortunately, in this very blog, I had expressed a desire to have a cup of tea with Armstrong , so that I can know exactly how a winner prepares. I still want to have that cup of tea with him and ask him ... Why?


Why was winning so important that you had to sell your soul for it? And how exactly did you manage to look at your own self in the mirror and meet the eye? Does it not pinch? Did you really celebrate all those 17 victories? Did you ever ask yourself, "Do I really deserve this -- the accolades, the hero worship, the fan following, all the youth who look up to me.. Am I really up there? Or am I down below, having stooped to the level of losing the last figment of conscience and shame, supposed to be present in a decent human being?"

I am angry and disappointed. I am no sport person. But I really look up to these people, in awe of their strength, both mental and physical, sometimes the former being a tad bit more than the latter. Then, out of nowhere news like these about sports persons shatters their image in my head. Although nothing has been proven about Vijender Singh, yet I think, "There is no smoke without fire".

The youth today needs a hero in India. We all need heroes in India. More specifically, we need heroes who live with an untarnished image all their lives. How difficult is it to live an honest life? To not dope, kill, not cheat your spouse? Or even if it is difficult to remain chaste, why project the wrong image? Is it not always good to come clean? I admire Arvind Kejriwal -- but now I am scared he will come out with his set of controversies. I am also in awe of Sachin Tendulkar, but again, who knows what goes inside the dressing room?

Every time a similar controversy crops up, it shakes my faith in the rest of the ‘heroes’. They are the people who with perseverance and grit achieve something that most of us only dream about. They have hoards of youngsters following them on the sports field, wanting to grow up and be like them. Every lane in India has kids playing cricket to the likes of Dravid or Sachin. They have fans who spend days and hours sitting at the edge of their seats to just watch them make that one century or score that goal or win that race. Thanks to Vijender Singh, many like him could dream of another sport being given more if not equal respect than cricket in India. Now, the same person stands with head hung in shame and so does the name of an entire sport.

And then there are the other set of people like Raghu and Ranvijay, who for some unknown reason are the self-proclaimed judges of youth today and all I can see them teaching the younger generation is anger, aggression and lots and lots and lots of swear words. I am left with actors like SRK who carry arrogance as their halo. Actors anyway are better left with their fictional characters. I am left with politicians who love mudslinging on each other as opposed to competitors like Obama and Romney who, with all their dignity, respect their opposition -- at least in media. Leaders who instead of guiding the nation towards prosperity are too busy filling their own bank accounts.

There is far too much of negativity surrounding us than probably needed. The news papers are full of scams, rapes, violence and bitterness. All the tv soaps air some manipulative crooks or family feuds or betrayed relationships. Sports was one place people would play fair or with ‘sportsman spirit’ as it was called. But I guess, they too have sold their spirits now and joined the bandwagon. In this scenario, where does one look for goodness, where do you seek something more stimulating and encouraging.

We deserve to be happy, we deserve to listen to good news, and we deserve a more constructive environment that motivates us to improve our lives. Maybe for all this we have to stop looking outside. Maybe we have to stop searching for heroes. Maybe we have to stop waiting for others to inspire us. Maybe it’s time we enthuse ourselves to do something bigger and better. Maybe it’s time to look within and see how each and everyone of us can be a role model, without being swayed by debauchery.

PS: Ambika!! Thank you for the corrections/additions!! :)

Life is too short to watch bad movies!!

The weekend went off watching some really good movies. There are so many good movies out there, waiting to be watched, to be loved ,thought about lazily and probably even to get inspired.
It started with The Scent of a woman. Al Pacino won his only best actor Academy Award for this movie and trust me, he deserved every bit of it. He played a blind retired army officer who had issues of his own but was an amazing individual. It was, while looking at this legend of an actor performing , that I understood the meaning of the statement, "A man being an institution in himself". The scene where he leads the lady in an effortless Tango is nothing when compared to the scene where he is being insulted by his nephew during a family dinner only to be surpassed by the last scene where he comes to defend Chris O'Donell. Its a shame that I have not watched The Godfather trilogy as yet. I will reserve it for the coming weekends probably, but The scent of a woman is a must must must movie to be watched.
Another awesome movie, which I had missed for years was "The Rainman". Now honestly I started watching Rain man because I thought it had Pacino in the role of the autistic brother. But as it turned out, it was Dustin Hoffman. Still going ahead with my decision, I was never happier or more engrossed. The beginning was a little irritating with the annoying Spanish female playing Tom Cruise's girl friend, but then there is that one magical scene where the camera starts to pan from the bottom of Cruise's car and you hear. "I am an excellent driver". Something tells you, this is the beginning of an epic role and you are not wrong. People who have not seen Rain-man should see it and like me kick themselves for having ignored it for all these years. When you look at Dustin Hoffman as Raymond, you actually want to go take care of him. You actually want to take him to K Mart and get him his underwear, because he would wear no other and because Tom Cruise wont take him there. You would want to make sure that his bed is by the window, just the way he likes it. You fall in love with Raymond. There is one better than the best scene in the movie, where Hoffman gets scared by hot running water from the tap. This scene reveals what had happened in their childhood. He is so natural that you forget that you are watching a movie. The second is a way adorable scene where Raymond laughs. "He He. Charlie Babbit cracked a joke!" You cannot miss this movie for anything in the world. Incidentally, Dustin Hoffman very deservingly won an Oscar for this role.
Also you will find the source of SRK's dancing in MNIK (and much more) and the forehead meeting "hug" from Burfi (Which has been overdone in Burfi, whereas in Rainman it is just the last scene!!) . In addition to this, you will find out why SRK is below than zero in MNIK when compared to Dustin Hoffman.
So that was Hollywood. Coming back to India, I was so hung up on watching "performance oriented" movies that the next natural choice had to be Paa!! Thank God for Amitabh Bachchan. Thank God for Balki and Thank God for Vidya Balan. Also, Thank God that all of them came together. Amitabh Bachchan is not him in the movie. He is such a natural 12 year old, that you forget its the legend unless of course the credits starts to roll. The dialogues are very easy on you and the best part in the movie is the lack of Hindi movie melodrama. Thank Balki for it. I mean probably for the first time in the history of Indian movies, an unwed daughter announces to her mother that she is pregers and all the mother asks is, "Do you want this baby?" Respect!!!
I then moved ahead to watch Grudge which was a much talked about scary movie, but honestly it was a huge disappointment. Although it was a long pending movie and I have finally crossed it off my list, I did not find it super scary (Ok , I was watching it in broad day light with Rahul by the side doing his own work :D ) but the biggest let down was the story. There was no connect at all!
I want to start a controversial discussion here. You don't really require a masterpiece story to make a good movie. I mean look at the above movies. The scent of a woman was basically not a great story. one blind officer, one student with problems of his own come together for the weekend. What made the movie was the moments, the execution and of course Al Pacino. What was Rainman? One guy, being denied of his Father's wealth discovers that he has an autistic brother who has inherited everything. He "kidnaps" him and finally falls in love with him. Paa is just a 12 year old boy who is suffering from Progeria. So maybe an epic movie does not need a mind boggling story! Maybe, its just how you put together some wonderful moments from the lives of your character on the screen and how the actors make them so believable that the audience becomes a part of their lives. Smiling, crying, and living their lives. Probably, like life, we tend to over complicate our movies also.

See you at the movies!!

Happy Women's Day!!

This probably is not the best time to be a woman in India. With rapes and molestation almost becoming a trend, it is surprisingly sad that although we boast of technological advances, we are almost no where when it comes to respect for a woman. Every one will agree with me that we still have a long long way to go to give woman a safe and secure environment. I don't think we ask for a lot. We only ask for a worry free environment.

I want to go out , enjoy myself and comeback without having to worry about how late is it going to be and how will I come back home, again without having to trouble a male friend to drop me back. I want to wear a dress without having to worry if I will be gawked upon and ogled at. I don't want my parents to worry when I live away from them in a stranger city. I want to climb the career ladder without being trampled upon, without being questioned about my credibility. I want to be accepted for who I am. Not much, really !!

Having said that, I realize that I am living a life which is far far better than many unfortunate women in our country. I have been given the freedom to make my own career, have my own identity. Fortunately, I was not stopped for anything just because I am a girl. For this, I say a heartfelt thank you. Especially to all the men around who thankfully do know how to respect and support the women around them. A part of my dad still lives in the 1800s. Thankfully he never showed it on his 2 daughters. He let us be. I was sent to Hyderabad, Delhi, Bangalore without any questions. Infact I remember, dad refused an alliance in my fourth year of engineering. His reason? "Let her atleast make a career for herself" he said. "The guy is settled in the US". Came an argument from the other side. "My daughter will go to the US on her own, Thank you". I have never been proud of him so much ever before!! I still have not made it to US yet, but I was given wings to fly.

I am also thankful to all my male friends. Only today in the morning Amber and I were discussing ( The discussion germinated the seed of this blog, btw) of how, luckily, all out male friends are thorough gentlemen. They may be mad, but they are good boys. Thank you boys. Thank you for the drops home late night, thank you for shielding us in a disc, thank you for not being jerks. Yes you really make fun of us, you irritate us, but without gentlemen like you, India would have been doomed.

Lastly, I have to THANK God a gazillion times for getting me married to the most chivalrous guy! Yes, I am one of those few exceptionally lucky females, who has her chair pulled for her in restaurants, who was given a wonderful cup of tea this morning and who sometimes go home to find utensils washed or milk boiled without having to say it!! The best part about Rahul is that he is a gentleman for every girl around him. He is that guy who will get up to give you a seat, who will pick up a fight with goons, even if you are not his girl friend/wife. Also, how many girls can claim to have a husband and a fashion consultant rolled in one? Ahem!! I can! :) Just a few added advantage!

Wishing every woman a very very happy women's day. Here is to the juggling and balancing we do with so much panache! Here is to the artificial smiles for a broken heart and to the real tears for a broken nail. Here is to managing our bank accounts and yet forgetting where we kept our scrunchies! Here is to the tastiest meals for the family and the disastrous cup of tea for ourselves, which we still gulp down! Here is to knowing that we are being judged and still not giving a shit!! Here is to the sarees and the LBDs, to the flats and the stilettos! I love being a girl and I am sure, despite everything, every girl does!!

Oh and one more thing. All mood swings of a woman is not PMS. Trust me!! Sometimes, We are genuinely pissed off! Cheers!!

Touchwood!!

I have not spoken much about Rahul on my blog. I have never even written about our story, which is otherwise okay but the writer in me wants to put down every little special moment. But then,I guess I don't want to sound like those silly girls who keep swooning over their boy friends/husbands and bring them up in every conversation. (Actually I do the last bit quiet a lot and I have to stop it!! ) But this picture quote probably describes him the best.



Maybe now, I don't need to say anything at all!! And here's one of my favorite picture of us. :)

Coffee with the 5

Its a mad roller coaster with the five, famously known as the Army. Who you ask? the 6 group-ed girl gang! We are definitely a handful. We talk endlessly, we laugh, sometimes too uproariously unfitting for girls and we make every moment memorable. We rag! Oh we rag! (Under the captaincy of D and D) You are not allowed a single mistake or a goof up in the Army! You missed to call some one for coffee? God save you! You were seen with a guy others don't know about? Sorry! You are dead never to be resurrected again. Your stories would be told to generations to come.

I have performed a sacrilege of such! I made a mistake of considering no bounds and eating a mango as if it was the last one in the entire milky way! I was clicked and laughed at! Its remembered till now and as I said, it will be remembered till eons to come. Maybe in the next life, when I will try my best to remind Deepa that I am the same Varsha she worked in Target with in her past life, she will shove a mango in front of my face and say, "Eat this and only then will I identify you"

Unfortunately the sweetest one is ragged the most. Swathi with her eternal beauty and wonderful doubts finds herself at the receiving end of many of our jokes. We love her! She is the best. The only problem is that she does not know that. She does not know that she is prettier than the actress in KO (btw , have you seen the movie KO?? :D :D) She does not know that she makes heads turn (ok maybe not as much as a certain "NEAT") but she has her own count! And she smiles sweetly through all the fun and leg pulling. But Shilpa has a record of her own, She has girls swooning over her as well!! Another one who smiles sweetly, talks sweetly and is actually incapable of getting angry is Piyu. But this one knows how to have fun! Ask me! My bachelorette party was the most memorable EVER, thanks to the inquisitive one here! I was asked questions that made me blush and turn me in all the hues existing in the universe of pinks and blues and as usual, others joined the party and had fun. Like always of course!

We have created scenes in restaurants, have made people look at us while nodding their heads, rolling our eyes mouthing, "Women!!". Pradeep, the ex manager still does that! I am sure many in the Target office do that. They cannot really help it. These days, we work. Of course we do. But when we don't, we go to someone's place , make noise, drag her to the washroom or upstairs for coffee and make some more noise. What else do you expect when you have 6 young, healthy, women come together!!

We follow traditions ... of the group that is. After a serious discussion is over, it is mandatory for someone to ask, "Who?, What?". When there are "Girl discussions" there are parts to be played. First, Impart the knowledge. Mostly the married females in the gang are responsible for that. Second, someone keeps an eye at the men around. So that no one has the faintest idea about what we are talking about. Third, Swathi has to be explained everything ... again. (Yes! ragging her is too addictive to lose a chance even in my blog!) In between, there is laughter loud enough to shatter the foundation of the Target C2 buildings and of course there is a fourth step, a cross verification over the net. Everyone participates in the last step equally.

When I came to Bangalore from Delhi, I had come with no expectations. But I found more than what I would have expected. The army is a major part of it. Life in Target would have been dull without them. I would have been lunching with boring team members, like Piyu had to, before she pinged me one day and said, "Please call me for lunch when you guys go". Yes you come alone and you go alone in this world. You meet people. They come and go in your lives. The six of us are not joined by the hip. Eventually, we will go on our own ways. But when maybe after 15 years I will call any one of them, or all of them, we will just pick up from where we left. We will still disturb people, rag each other mercilessly, or just not say anything at all understanding that silences in true friendship does not always need to be filled with words.

Let there be lots of love in the world!!

Of Writing and Self Discipline

Apparently, I was supposed to write every single day in the month of February. Since the last post was on 4th of Feb, it is evident that unfortunately I did not stick to my commitment. Probably the biggest reason was exactly that. The toughest job in the world is to stick to your own commitment. We tend to go too easy on ourselves, don't we? Discipline is easy to teach. "Self Discipline" is the hardest to learn. I am not alone. How many of us decide to get up early, exercise or pick up some fruitful activity and make it a habit? And how many of us actually do it? Discontinuation of the the so called "New Year Resolutions" every single year of your adult life is proof enough of the fact that the hardest thing is to be tough on your own self. So what brought me back here? This!! Amitabh Bachchan's blog. This man is ...well ... he is not different from any one of us. He just has way too much control on himself. And this one simple trait puts him leaps and bounds ahead from lesser mortals like me.
During my engineering preparations I used to attend coaching under a man named Anil Aggarwal. One day, which seemed like any normal day when it began, Anil sir was in a furious mood. He was throwing questions at us and no body was able to answer them in all confidence. He had proved his point. We were not serious about our preparations. Frustrated, he did what all teachers do -- lectured us for one straight hour. NON STOP!! For some unknown reason, I heard that lecture with rapt attention. (Maybe I was too guilty for not answering his bouncer questions) He said something which never goes away from my memory. This was the time when 9/11 had freshly happened. He said , "That terrorist must have trained day in and day out for an operation he knew he was going to die." "This" , he said pointing towards the board, "you know will make your life. And you still cannot give it enough commitment?" True , right? Ladies and Gentlemen reading my blog, the point I want to make here is, this : It all lies within!! ALL we need to do is to "wake up the giant within" Tough? Very!! Achievable? quite!!
So I erase the commitment board and start fresh. I still can not make any promises. A simple technical reason being I do not have net at home as yet and with all the work in office, I might miss writing here. But try I will!!
People reading this can probably drop ideas on what I should write, in the comments below. :)