Monday, March 16, 2015

Running Away -- Day 2



I have always wanted to run away -- to a place where no one bothers. To a place that is an escape, that is breathtaking beautiful.
I want to pack a bag with the bare minimum and flee off. To a place where serenity covers the surroundings like a blanket.
I want to sit on a rock in the middle of a white stream. I want to breathe the dampness around.
I want to cry. Yes , I do. I want to cry because Rashmi ma'am hit me with a scale when I was not even the one who disturbed her class. But she won't listen.
I want to cry because they say I am not enough. Not good enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough.
I want to cry for every single time I pushed my tears back, blinked and smiled.
I want to finish my due.
And when I am done, I want to feel light.
I want to feel as if I can fly. I want to close my eyes and feel the air caressing me, running its fingers through my hair, like a lover scared of touching me too much and yet wanting to.
And then I want to laugh. Just because.
There should not be a reason to laugh. A person should not be labelled mad because he is just plain fucking happy with no reason.
I want my eyes to sparkle -- I want them to have the star in my stare. I want the won in a wonderful life and the live in being alive.



Taking the plunge ... Day 1



I have always been scared of commitments. I have always been excited about them , but they are scary. But then, they say -- do what you are afraid of. So that's what I am here for. I am here to make a commitment. From today, everyday for one month, I am going to write a post here. Phew!! Scary! I don't even know what am I going to write. But all I know is that I need to do this. I needed to do something big, to promise something almost impossible, to get myself started or rather restarted.

Here goes nothing!

I almost never write movie reviews. I am not going to write one even now. What follows though are my thoughts that were racing through my head while I watched NH10. First things first. All the actors are fantastic. Anuskha Sharma is really really good. If you want to see how good the actor is, look at their eyes. Anushka Sharma's eyes in the movie spoke when she mouthed no dialogues. There is one scene in the movie where she sits in the ladies room to smoke. Meera, the character she plays, is already under stress. She scans the door of the washroom and sees profanity written on the doors of the washroom -- a fact very common in India. She stares at the words with a look that says , "When will this ever stop!". It is not anger, it is not on your face , roll your eyes irritation. It is just a disappointed angry look. It is amazing.

Neil Bhoopalam plays Anushka's husband and although the actor was amazing but sorry the character was a jerk! No seriously! He is the reason they get into trouble and basically the reason the movie happens. Now when I shared the same thought with my husband, here is what he had to say , "Ab kahani kahin se toh aage badhani padegi na" (They have to move the story from somewhere!) Yes but no. I believe they could have given a much better reason for the story to move ahead. The way the story panned out, it more seemed like the protagonists' doing. It felt more like, "Well! It was their fault!" Now before people jump their guns , here is the reason why I say so .

(Major spoilers ahead!! It is not a suspense story and probably one can gauge the whole movie through the promos. So there is nothing to spoil but I am going to reveal a major scene of the story. If you have not seen the movie and don't want to know what is it, I suggest you stop reading now. However, if you don't care or if you have seen the movie, go ahead. There ! You have been warned!)

The trouble begins when our protagonists see a woman being dragged by a couple of men. Arjun (Neil) is the only man who stands up to these goons. That is very brave and I love brave men. Now these men do not want any one's involvement and they shoo away Arjun. Arjun tries to argue with them again. Darshan Kumar, the head of the gang, then punches Arjun and goes away. This is what pisses off Arjun. Not that he failed in saving a woman being dragged on a bright day in full view of everyone -- he is pissed off because he was punched. It hurts his ego. (I know this for sure because he confirms this in a dialogue later too) He goes behind them with a licensed gun and soon realizes that they are too dangerous. So he chickens out! This then triggers a chain of events and then happens whatever is supposed to happen.

Do you see the trouble here? Of course the situation presented was extremely risky. What does one do when one sees a situation like this? Personally, I know I will hide a girl in my house running away from goons if I know I will not be found out. But will I butt in a sensitive matter like the one in the movie? I am not sure! Because like many onlookers I am a pathetic citizen who fails in front of a group of insensitive men who do not think twice before killing someone. But Meera and Arjun get into trouble because his freaking ego was punched. He retaliates in anger and not out of righteousness. In a place like Delhi/Gurgaon , one usually knows better.

Now that we have this out of the way, let us focus on the good points again. One -- NH10 shows a real believable world. well, almost. NH10 is a story of a real India. People who decorate their godrej almirah with stickers, working girls who face snarky comments in office, a couple who chit chat about "nothing really" but still do. I loved the realness of NH10. Exactly the reason why a bollywoodish twist dampened my spirits again. What are the odds of Anushka ending up at the goon's place looking for help? Reason? Because Bollywood.

Thankfully the songs were in background and the end? Oh the end! I loved the end. It drags you to the edge of your seat and forces you to stare at the screen with your mouth open. It makes you want to throw away all the fear you have in your minds. It makes you want to be brave.

Conclusively, NH10 did not make it to my list of "wow" movies. But someday, when I am in a mood to see good performances, I will re-watch it.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Allow

There are days i know
When somethings are just not right
When your dress gets burned or your top is too tight

And there are days i know
When all is well
But you dont smile
When things are just fine but ...something ...just something is not right

And there are days when tiny tear drops peek from your eyes
And you turn the other way
Because people will see and ask and prod and refuse to go away
So you smile ...that little ghost.of a smile that is there and yet not there
Not true and just not fair

I know you are strong of course there is no doubt
You can smile and laugh when you are down and out
But can i dare to say whats wrong in a frown
One day in hundred ...I think its allowed

Let your heart feel ...give it space
If it is sad ...show , tell, take it out ...express ...don't explain
Its great to be strong ...please dont get me wrong

Sit alone , ponder maybe even.cry
But let your heart feel what you wish to deny
and when you are done show the world whats true ...
That this smile on your lips is the actual you

Thursday, February 26, 2015

When Craziness Converse



I met Neeraj at writers meetup. So yes, he is a writer but actually he is way more than just a writer. He is also a playwright an artist and a poet. Now one day, randomly (because he like me is mad), Neeraj sent me the following in a mail :

कभी गौर किया है तुमने ? रात के कुछ ढलने के बाद कई बार एक तलब चढ़ती है, चाय या कॉफ़ी पीने की । ये वो तलब होती है जब चाय या कॉफ़ी में से कुछ भी मिल जाये तो काम हो जाता है । तुम्हारे पास ऑप्शन ढूंढने के कोई हालात बचते ही नहीं । जो भी सामने आता है वो तुम स्वीकार करते हो, या कहो कि उसमें घुल लेते हो । अक्सर रात के बारह बजने के आस पास या उसके बाद मेरी भी यह इच्छा तीव्र हो जाती है । कई बार दोस्तों के साथ या अकेले एक प्याली चाय या कॉफ़ी ढूंढने निकल पड़ता हूँ । बैंगलोर के कई चौराहों, नुक्कड़ और गलियों में कुछ दूकानदार स्ट्रीट लैंप की पीली रौशनी के नीचे अपनी साइकिल पर चाय के थरमस के साथ सिगरेट और चकली लिए अक्सर खड़े होते हैं । और उनके आस पास होती है, दस से पंद्रह लोगों की भीड़, चाय या सिगरेट पीते हुए । सब अपनी बाइक और गाड़ियों को रोक कर चाय का लुत्फ़ ले रहे होते हैं । मैं उन्ही में से किसी एक नुक्कड़ पर चाय पीने निकल जाता हूँ … जहाँ भी मिल जाए । बैंगलोर की हल्की ठंढी रातों में किसी बंद दूकान की सीढ़ियों या किसी फूटपाथ पर बैठ कर समय को गुज़रते हुए देखना मुझे पसंद है ।

खैर बात हो रही थी चाय की... दरअसल रात की चाय को बस 'चाय' कहना अपराध होगा...लेखन की भाषा में कहूँ तो बड़ा ही फ्लैट होगा । रात की चाय एक टोकन है कुछ और वक़्त खरीदने के लिए… नींद की आगोश में जाने से पहले अगर रात थोड़ी और जी जा सके इसकी सम्भावना लिए हर चाय की प्याली आती है । भले ही देर रात गली नुक्कड़ पर बिकने वाली चाय हो या घर में देर रात बनाई हुई मेरी कॉफ़ी । ये सभी एक टोकन हैं, जो मुझे थोड़ी और देर जगाने में मदद करते हैं । मुझे रात पसंद है, रात में बाहर निकलो तो ऐसा लगता है आसमान मानों एक बड़ा सा तंबू तना हो और टिमटिमाते तारे ऐसे जैसे उस तंबू में लगी छोटी छोटी लाइट्स, और रात के इस वक़्त इस तम्बू के नीचे चल रही बहुत सी कहानियों को थोड़ा ठहराव मिलता दीखता है… एक कहानी शुरू होकर अपने एक मोड तक आती दिखती है, जैसे दिन के पाँव दुःख गए हो और वो रात के पीछे छुप कर थोड़ी देर आराम करना चाहता हो । मुझे यह सब देखना बहुत पसंद है, अलग अलग किरदारों को देखना, उनको गढ़ना, उनके बारे मे सोचना ये सब उसी तंबू के तले होते हैं | मैं रात में सोना बस मजबूरी से करता हूँ। मैं कभी अपनी छत पर बैठे बैठे पूरी रात, रात के साथ सफर करना चाहता हूँ, तब तक, जब तक रात सरकते-सरकते सुबह ना बन जाये… पर ऐसा मुमकिन नहीं हो पाता । पर मेरी कॉफ़ी का मग या प्याली की चाय मुझे कुछ और देर जागने में मदद करते हैं , इसके लिए मैं उनका शुक्रगुज़ार हूँ । मेरे लिए दिन और रात के अलग अलग वक़्त पर गटके गए प्यालों का अलग अलग मतलब है ।

खैर अभी अभी बाहर से आया हूँ , आज कोई चायवाला नहीं मिला । मैं अनायास ही लगभग तीन किलोमीटर का सफर कर के खाली हाथ वापस आ गया । रसोई में जाकर देखा तो थोड़ा दूध बचा हुआ था … जैसे मेरे लिए ही छोड़ा गया हो । रात के एक बज रहे हैं … और मैं अपनी कॉफ़ी बना रहा हूँ ।

- Neeraj Pandey


When I got this mail, I was going through a "lack of ideas" spell. Neeraj's mail gave me an idea to adapt his piece in my way. This is what I replied.

Have you heard about those mad writers? The ones who are up at insane hours creating people, giving them quirks , making up a world? Have you heard how writers run on coffee? Well we don't run on coffee but then there are these moments ... When all you want is a wonderful cup of tea or coffee in that tiny little tumbler. I like the feel of that thin glass against my fingers and most of all, I love the coziness of the first sip. To me, it feels like a warm hug from a best friend. A cup of tea is a wonderful companion -- to a loner, who likes her thoughts flavored with a delicious sip of warmth or to an awkward couple who are too nervous to talk, but might break ice with a simple statement of ,"would you like a cup of tea?"

Here in Bangalore, people sell tea or coffee stand in a small corner. Usually, they also sell cigarettes and biscuits -- the best friends to a cup of a tea. Sometimes, I like to go out in the late hours. I like to buy my cup of tea and sip it in the silence of the night. I like nights. I like the stillness, the calm. I like it how the night falls, without us really noticing it. But she just takes over,allowing us to sit back and to sigh or smile about the day. She lets us be, unlike the day time who demands that we go out there dressed to the tee, win our victories and fight our fights. I like to see an empty street of the night. More often than not, I see a story lurking around the corner of a street. I like to hear snatches of people's conversation. I like to get a glimpse of their lives. When I walk down an empty street and see a house with its lights on, I wonder -- is there someone like me in there? What keeps someone awake so late? I have my reasons -- I am sure they do too.

I have just come back from such a walk. Today, there was no one standing in a corner, selling tea on a barely noticeable cycle. So I make my own cup. It might not have the exact same taste, the exact same sweetness but I am sure, when the tea goes in , in the form of a few tiny relaxed sip, the warmth will be the same.





Thanks to this guy, I could finally write -- after ages! I could move my fingers , flex my creative muscles. Thank you Neeraj! I hope to do this more often!

Sunday, January 11, 2015

To New Beginnings ....

In his autobiography, Open, Andre Agassi talks about how every time he would try to run behind perfection in every shot, he would lose the match. He needed to stop being perfect. Reading this portion was an epiphany of sorts for me. " ...and that is why I have stopped writing!" I told myself --Because I tried too hard to be perfect , in my head! That is why I had abandoned this blog. I was scared of coming here and seeing what I had written over all these years. This blog has been my companion, letting me record everything that happens in my life. I cannot let a stupid wish like wanting to be perfect take away the relationship I have with this blog.

New year brought a whole new angle to my life. I am traveling tonight to the US of A. Am I excited? Sort of. Am I scared -- very! But as usual, I don't know what to anticipate. I know there are a lot of my colleagues. I know I am not going to a strange land but here is the deal. I want my own experience. The day it was known that I might be traveling soon, my colleagues have been filling me in with a lot of their experiences. You should go here, you should go there -- go to the mall of America, go to that Indian store. I nod every time someone tells me something. I imagine myself being there, I live their memories with them. I am thankful at the end of the conversation for making the place seem a little more familiar to me. But eventually, I want to form my own opinions and make my own memories-- which I inevitably will. I will leave home at 10:00 and will be flying the whole day tomorrow. It is going to be a first of everything. First international travel, first time boarding international planes (I will be changing 3 planes for my route) and first time stepping out of India. In my head, I have lived this moment too many times to count. I have stepped outside my house, I have locked my gate and I have felt my heartbeat go up and stomach do a flip, on the prospect of traveling international. The only difference was -- in my head, I was going backpacking through Europe. As of now, I am going to Minneapolis on a shoe string budget, where I will count and calculate, multiply everything with 60 before deciding to buy anything, where I will have to cook my on food because I am a vegetarian and where I will be colder than Anaa was, when she leaves for a journey to find Elsa.

I hope to come back with a bagful of experiences (good ones), memories (good ones too) and stories -- little, big, funny, happy , good stories , to share on this blog, to share them with my friends and I hope to be traveling more often. The next time I open this blog, I will be in a different country, in a different time zone and God knows what frame of mind.

Hoping for the best ... Let there be lots of love in this world!




Saturday, November 8, 2014

Scribbles



I wrote this one in an eye hospital, while waiting for my turn- on a tissue paper. I think it turned out ok-ish so I am putting it here.

... And I smiled,
Because I was running out of options
when there are things that haze your head around,
You can either take a decision, or get angry and frown.
But soon there is not much of a choice,
Because there is only so much you can do
there is only so much you can fight.
Maybe God sends you with a quota of tears
and I am pretty sure I have run out of mine.
There maybe rules to get it refilled,
Like probably falling in love again
But I was done this time.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Stay with me

Remember I wrote about morning pages? How I wrote first thing in the morning, without looking back at what am I writing? The following is an excerpt of this "unconscious/subconscious" writing which I thought was decent enough to be put on the internet. It is obviously not unadulterated, I have edited it as I went along writing it. Here goes nothing :

Stay with me because my thought sleeps,
I feel sudden jerks whenever there is a wave
Stay with me because I am afraid
Stay with me because the dark clutches me.
It crawls up my feet and hugs me tight like an unwanted friend.
Stay with me because I rather be not alone.
Because life has more to it than what we know.
Its a long day and a longer life and I am here for something that I still don't know.
Stay with me because with you the magic comes alive.
Stay with me because there is a world outside.
I have heard its huge but beautiful --its scary and unknown
I have heard its mysterious.
Stay because together we are one
Stay because we have a long way to go, we are still not done.
Stay with me and stay true
Because that's what I'd do for you.