Scribbles

I wrote this one in an eye hospital, while waiting for my turn- on a tissue paper. I think it turned out ok-ish so I am putting it here.

... And I smiled,
Because I was running out of options
when there are things that haze your head around,
You can either take a decision, or get angry and frown.
But soon there is not much of a choice,
Because there is only so much you can do
there is only so much you can fight.
Maybe God sends you with a quota of tears
and I am pretty sure I have run out of mine.
There maybe rules to get it refilled,
Like probably falling in love again
But I was done this time.

Stay with me

Remember I wrote about morning pages? How I wrote first thing in the morning, without looking back at what am I writing? The following is an excerpt of this "unconscious/subconscious" writing which I thought was decent enough to be put on the internet. It is obviously not unadulterated, I have edited it as I went along writing it. Here goes nothing :

Stay with me because my thought sleeps,
I feel sudden jerks whenever there is a wave
Stay with me because I am afraid
Stay with me because the dark clutches me.
It crawls up my feet and hugs me tight like an unwanted friend.
Stay with me because I rather be not alone.
Because life has more to it than what we know.
Its a long day and a longer life and I am here for something that I still don't know.
Stay with me because with you the magic comes alive.
Stay with me because there is a world outside.
I have heard its huge but beautiful --its scary and unknown
I have heard its mysterious.
Stay because together we are one
Stay because we have a long way to go, we are still not done.
Stay with me and stay true
Because that's what I'd do for you.

6 weekends of an alternate life

Why would I be interested in a theatre workshop? I, who was scared of going up in front of a class full of trainees and just saying "Class, lets break for 5 mins!" I, who can't even read her own piece in a casual writer's club environment without getting my heartbeat high. I cannot emote and my hands and voice shake when I am in front of public. So why did I even consider a theatre workshop? Why would I leave my 6 weeks of writer's meet up to do something I know I am not even remotely capable of? Reasons evade me. Maybe I wanted to do something different. Maybe I wanted to take a risk .. maybe I just wanted to test the waters - dip the smallest point of my feet in and back away, without as much creating a puddle. But that was not to happen. Once in, I couldn't pull back and surprisingly I didn't want to.

In the workshop, I was allowed to be anything -- in fact I was encouraged to be anything or anyone else but me. I was an old woman almost at her death bed, yet fighting for a license renewal. I was a minister fighting in Parliament. I was a 100 rupee note narrating my experience of how it exchanged hands and finally I was Mallika Desai -- the eager film maker sitting for an interview, who had the guts to stand up and say "I don't like that question. I don't think it even deserves an answer. Good day!" as she walks away to the background music of "Main chali , main chali , dekho pyaar ki gali ..." In the last 6 weeks, I was all that and much more. I used a bottle as a golf club and a ball of imaginary clay to make an earthen pot. I used a pen cap as a mike and saw a ladder getting converted into a boat. For me, the best part was that I could talk in my normal voice and no body flinched, asking me to keep it down! Surprisingly, they wanted me to be louder. Oh the feeling of liberation! I was in the world of make believe and I loved every moment of it.

I was among strangers. I was among hoteliers, accountants, NGO workers, educators and Pro tennis players. It is interesting to see people bond. It is more interesting to see people craving for the company of the same people who till a few weeks ago were strangers. Some new relations flourish and some old ones fade out and die. Strange is the human psychology. Towards the end of the workshop, taking the certificate, hooting, shouting,chanting each other's names ... I was among friends!

I had seen plays before -- a lot of plays. I would admire the expressions, the voice, the precision, the timing and most of all the guts! But I had never "experienced" it until now. The environment backstage is electrifying. Everyone hugging everyone, encouraging, wishing the best and rooting for each other. After a very long time, I was in a totally selfless environment. There was no competition. No body wanted to be better than anybody. All of us had come together to learn a few things, have fun and put up ONE great show together and I guess we did. We fumbled, forgot our lines, were too low on volume for our directors' liking, but we managed because of our directors. The 5 wonderful people who had come together to form Tahatto -- the theatre group.

The moment on stage is surreal. It felt like I was there performing, yet I was not there. On my first show, my hands were shaking and I fucked up the very first dialogue. But I survived. On the second show, there was a strange calmness. The only time my heart did a jump was when I stepped in front of the audience in the dark. Then the lights came on and Mallika Desai took over and I let her. I stood by and watched as she got happy, sad and angry on my behalf. I just came back for the curtain call, thanking the audience for being nice enough to come and see a bunch of first timers. As Prashanth rightly said, "Don't take away any theatre lesson with you .. don't remember the body hooks, the monkey faces, the voice in the range of 6,7,8, and 9. But do remember the feeling of humility that 80 people took time out of their lives, spent their money to see you perform." The thought is scary and exhilarating in equal measures.

I am not sure what is next. I am not sure if I will do any other play now, ever or never. But I know I can go in front of a minimum 80 people and not have a quivering voice. I can smile and look nervous. I can look irritated and angry on demand(Atleast I think I can). I never knew this about myself! Of course I will have to start all over again if I dare to do theatre once more. But I never knew I could do it even once. So there! After almost 30 years of my life, I am reinventing myself. I want to do this and that and that and this. I want to write and perform and travel and yet be a datastage certified professional. I want to take part in Harry Potter quizes and still read all the books I can lay my hands on. I am a bit late in life, yet I am happy I decided to take a step in a direction seemingly not meant for me. See you in the beyond!

Albert Camus

Courtsey : http://www.brainpickings.org/

To Be a Child ...

To live like a child again,
To wonder, To question
To laugh at a confused ant
and To bawl with full lungs
To use those full lungs ...
To breathe like a child
taking in every ounce of air
and using it up
curious,naughty
simple, crazy
an imagination to go nuts for
To look at the moon and imagine it melt
To want To eat the stars
because aren't they just sugar bars?
sprinkled arcoss an upside down ground?
To smile at strangers
and To get smiled back
To be scared and be pacified
To live just Today , because tomorrow?
Tomorrow is a concept Too Tough To define
To just live like a child!
To believe .. stories and fairies
Peter Pan and Santa Claus
To go out and play
get dirty in mud and taste the rain
Oh! To be a child again!

Harry Potter and the Magic of a Genius Writer

I solemnly swear I am upto no good

I think I wrote a Harry Potter post in this blog back in college, when I was still trying to find my foothold in writing. Its been ages now but my love for the books and the characters have not diminished. If anything, it has only increased. When you realise how beautifully and logically the things ended, you can only marvel at the genius of JK Rowling. Maybe being 30 and talking about Harry Potter might be taken as a bit , for the lack of a better word, immature. But I just can't help it. Especially now, when I can appreciate the nuances of a brilliant story, the age really does not matter.

I went to a Harry Potter quiz last Sunday and someone has to be there in person to understand what a phenomenal book series it is. Kids and Elders alike had participated in that quiz. People were wearing time turners, Harry Potter themed T-Shirts, Marauder's Map Tshirts and what not! I could not make it beyond the prelims ( I will still have to learn the books by heart to clear a high level quiz like that) but I did manage to grab an audience prize!

But coming back to my love for Harry Potter, I love how, the whole story is narrated only through the eyes of Harry. There is no other point of view here. Harry unravels the story every year through some incident, over hearing someone, some one like Mr. Weasley, Sirius, Hagrid informs Harry about something which happened in the past, or through a wonderfully imagined route by Rowling, memories in the Pensive. This is so different from R.R Martin's Game Of Thrones where every chapter is a PoV of one character and although all of them are in different situation and are totally different personalities, they take ONE story forward. I don't want to digress from the topic but I am thinking as I write and vice-versa and was wondering how two very different ways of story telling bring out an epic story. Please note here that I am in NO WAY comparing the two stories but only the way the story has been told.

Another beauty of Harry Potter books are how each character is defined. Almost every important character has a back story. Dumbledore's relation with his siblings, Hagrid's story of being a part giant, Sirius and his family ... you just cannot have this much depth by just "wishing" to be a great writer. You actually have to work for it ( This is a small mental note for me) My thoughts again go back to GoT where even The Hound has a back story. I am only on the second book of GoT , but rest assured , it deserves its own blog post -- a long one indeed.

Back to Harry Potter and the books. So Rowling had two things delivered out of her books. One is an individual story for every book ... the philosopher's stone, the goblet of fire , the half blood price and then there is the whole "bringing together of the fall of Voldermort" epic - the hints of which are seen from the very first book. Sirius's flying motorbike comes in the first book, the first horocrux and vanishing cabinet is in the 2nd book and the Room of Requirements is in the fourth book! I tried googling but never came across a post that said that Rowling thought of the whole story backwards but I am sure she had in mind, the idea of piecing together a LOT of things. Who would have thought when Dumbledore good naturedly talked to Karakoff about entering the Room of Requirements as he needed to pee, the very room would turn into a major part of the story.

A good story is never complete without a character showing shades or traversing a remarkable growth path.

"After all this Time?"
"Always"

I remember reading this part with my mouth open and eyes wide. Snape helped Harry? The Snape who hated his guts? The Snape who killed Dumbledore? That Snape? How beautifully is Snape etched out! How many times did we read "Dumbledore trusts Snape" and how many times did I say in my mind while reading this , "Well! Dumbledore CAN make mistakes!"

Ron and Hermione stick with Harry through the end. They had a choice! They could always , always walk away! But they stayed, till the very end. I well up even writing about it! I cannot write a Potter article and not rave about Hermione. I was not happy with Hermione ending up with Ron only because I never felt Ron ever treasured her the way she deserved. Hermione was and is the epitome of a strong character. She is intelligent,witty, bossy yet emotional ,friendly yet sarcastic and she is brave -- very very brave. (I want to write about Arya Stark and Daenerys Targaryen but I am stopping myself. This post is about Harry Potter) JK Rowling has so amazingly taken a little boy as a protagonist and with him,takes us, through all his typical growing up journey. I loved the scene when Harry describes his kiss with Cho as "wet". I love it because how easily Rowling points out that even after winning deadly tournaments and cheating death by a hair every single time, Harry will still be a boy!

As much as I love the books, I can never digest the fact that Sirius died and that Harry had not a SINGLE peaceful year for the first 17 years of her life (I am including his life with Dursleys). Rowling gave us all a ray of hope with Sirius -- the closest thing Harry had to a parent! "When all this is over, we will be a proper family" . And he dies! Again, I read this part again and agin -- "No! this is wrong" I thought! I am reading it wrong! It cannot be Sirius. No! No! Harry! why did you not look into the mirror!!

I felt it was a bit odd that Rowling used a whole book to establish Sirius's character and killed him off only in the next to next book. Sad! One funny thing which Tumblr pointed out and I thought it was rather funny! True but funny. It was this -- When Harry drank Felix Felicis or liquid luck, he could have directly gone and killed Voldermort. But then ofcourse, where would be the bravery, the story telling, the struggle and finally the victory!

This story is about all sorts of emotions! Love, Friendship, Trust, hunger for Power, hunger for love (Love Potions) , lonliness, Adolescensce, coming of age, Victory of good over Evil, finding laughter in the darkest of times (Remember .. "I am feeling holy" )

I can go and on and on about this story. I have not covered Fred and George Weasley, Molly and Ginny ( two very strong female characters) about how Malfoy turns weak towards the end or how Neville grows stronger. I have not yet covered about how menacingly powerful was Bellatrix Lestrange or how, even if Narcissa Malfoy belonged to a family of death eaters, she was still a mother at heart -- protective and hopeful till the very end for his son. I have still not covered how mysterious Dumbledore was and how it all unwraps in the end ... leaving the reader confused, angry and all the emotions the trio felt -- we felt it with them!

I never wanted this series to end only till Rowling came out with Skeeter's world cup article of how their current lives are. Suddenly, they were balding, stuck in marital ruts and addicted to fire whisky! That's when I thought it was time to be satisfied. Although, it was a bit ironic how Rowling chose Skeeter's voice to talk about their mid lives. We know that we cannot trust on a single thing Skeeter writes.

However, letting Harry Potter go is as difficult as it was to let go FRIENDS. But we did it and we lived through it. We still have the books and the movies to relive the magic again and again (Although the movies are no match to the books, but they are not bad for quickies)

Thank you Harry, Hermione and Ron. Thank You Rowling!! We let go of you but we hold the memories.

Mischief Managed!

Ramblings

I have not done a rant post for a very very long time and since I do not visit my blog often these days, I thought I'd do one. Life has been going on with sadly,not much happening. I joined Zumba for a month or so and am back to my Yoga. It is always good to workout at home. Why you ask? You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have to pay anyone and you don't have to change. Nothing's more comfortable than your home PJs and of course you have a tab on time so you know when to stop.

It has its disadvantages too, the biggest one being that if you do anything wrong, you won't really know because there is no one to tell you. But then internet videos/CDs and books help. Another drawback is that since you know you just have to move from your room to your exercise area (sometimes the 2 being the same) you tend to become lazy. That is a pro and a con.

I was thinking ...life turning out to be good or bad, purely on the basis of karma, is just a matter of those 10 minutes. What I mean is this ... You have to get up in the morning to exercise, but you sleep off for those extra 10 minutes. You have to go out to meet friends, maybe do some work but you laze around and eventually quit the idea of going out. On the contrary , if you decide to let go of those 10 minutes, you end up doing a lot! I am not generalising a trend, but that's what happens mostly. Think about it.

Another thing that has been occupying my thoughts lately is the internet. Most people who know me, know what a huge internet addict I am. Internet is an overload of information and a major reason why it is more important now than ever to draw a line and decide for yourself about what is right or wrong. Take health for example. There are people who say milk is important and people who say adults should not drink milk. There are loads of articles on how it is a good idea to drink fruit juices and an equal number of articles that will tell you to eat fruits and skip the juice. I am giving these examples because these are a few things I search for and get all sorts of point of views. I mean anything and everything has lots of goods and lots of bad points about it. Same goes or cosmetic product. I was looking up or a MAC concealer and there were hundreds of women saying how awesome it was, another hundreds saying that it didn't work for them and that is true. Obviously what works for one will not work for another. So after running round and round in circles, we come to the same thing. Internet can help you show all the aspects for you to make a decision but it will never make a decision for you.

Moving on to the other things, I have been meditating on and off and though I have been doing it for as long as January ,everytime I do it, I feel like I am doing it for the first time. So far , no mental peace has approached me and I am not sure of how much of an "alpha" state I reach. All I know is that when I sit and try to meditate in my cab for that endless journey to office and/or back, I doze off wonderfully. So, I don't complain about the long hours anymore -- unless we get stuck in the rains or something. Even the evening it was raining, the driver was gracious enough to leave the lights in the cab on. So I could happily read my Game Of Thrones. So I did not complain even then -- except for a sore bum. I am entitled to at least that. Things in office are nothing but idiotic and I don't even want to talk about it.

I do want to talk about writing. Although I have not been writing here much, I am doing something called morning pages. Look it up in google and you will come across the book Artist's way by Julia Cameron. She coined this specific term although many authors before her have advocated the same idea. Write 3 pages of unconscious writing. Basically, without stopping , you write whatever crap comes to your mind. It is a lot of fun doing it , provided I get up in the morning with enough time in my hands to accommodate writing, Yoga-ing and rushing for office. Sometimes I doze off while writing and end up writing extremely non coherent matter in context and in writing. Once out of nowhere, while my pen was slipping and I was dozing off, i wrote " I don't know who alexander is" right in the middle of some blah things I was writing about. You never know what your subconscious is up to and that is why it is so interesting.

I have been pretty regular in my writer meetups and I am not sure how I do there. People there are too sweet to give you any negative criticism whatsoever. I once read a story after which there was pin drop silence. No claps, no good, no bad. The host was nodding his head , one guy was staring at me and others seemed lost. Eventually one really sweet female said some good thing followed by some other good things by some other sweet people. This happens almost everytime, leading me to believe that I am pretty okay or every time I read something people are just searching for words to get over me and then move on to the next reader. But I love my time in the writers and actually look forward to it every week. Sadly I missed it yesterday but as I said I manage to go there almost every week.

I am still far from being perfect but something stirs in me when I think about writing -- a feeling which says, " Not everything is bad in the world". I think that feeling is enough to hold on to the craft. These days I am heavily inspired by Phil and Sarah Kaye and I am trying my hands on spoken word poetry. I attended a workshop and participated in a video made by campus diaries. Although, obviously I am not propagating the video, it is not bad. But I haven't told anyone about it (Except Rahul ofcourse and another Writer friend who happened to stumble upon it himself) and I have no plans of putting up the link. I am sure other poets are doing that well enough!One day , if I gather enough courage, I will perform too. But that is not immediate.

Being a (sort of) writer allows me to be a part of a completely different universe , feeds me with thoughts that are alien to my otherwise IT-ed mind and I love that refreshment. I need IT for the money and though there were these cruel students I met who were like "Oh poor you" "Oh thats sad" when I told them I am from IT, deep down, I dont regret it. I feel like clark Kent, who gets to turn into superman only in weekends. But that is so so so much better than those poor uncles in my workplace who don't have anything to do other than attending calls, paying EMIs and smoking in the smoking zone. Seriously! So so much better than them and when those uncles make fun of my reading habit, I cannot help but feel sorry for them.

Anyway, I have taken this rant post too seriously. I hope to come here more often. See you later! :)