Love is not life!!

I read Jiah Khan's suicide note today, not able to decide whether or not all of it was true. She spoke about how much she loved someone and how the someone decided to look the other way. She just wanted to be loved. She wanted a future wih a man, which she was denied. So she opted for an option where she would not have to face him , or anyone , ever again. Reading it made me think, is it really worth it? The answer was an obvious no. No! No one is worth going to the length of giving it all up.

Think about it step by step and logically. You meet a person. You start liking him. He also shows interest in you. First you meet in a group, then slowly you start meeting up without friends. You enjoy his company, his jokes so much so that you prefer to ignore many of his displeasing facets. He is a flirt! That is ok you say. He spends a lot of money! Who does not? You say again. He does not talk to me as much as I want him to . He is probably the silent brooding type. You probably smile to yourself thinking you have met someone like Mr.Darcy! Wake up girls! Mr. Darcy does not exist and your life is not a Jane Austen novel. We are talking about people we foolishly fall in love with. Ignore every shortcoming they have and accept them with all out hearts. Because if not this then what is love? Accepting a person the way he is ... right? Wrong!! Completely wrong!

Because we do not realise that in the process of accepting him unaltered we change ourselves completely! Our day starts and ends with his thoughts. The first thing we do is check our phone for a sweet good night message. We find none. We call them up only to hear their sweet voice and instead get to hear just the shrill ring from the other side. Life takes a backseat! Why didnt he call me? Is he mad at me? Did I do something? Say something wrong? Will he like this dress ? I think I should get him a t shirt or maybe that lame ass game CD or that costly fossil watch! We submit ourselves and then even when we get to see the real faces of our "beloved", we can do nothing but cry. Have you ever wondered why you cannot have male friends but on the other hand you would not even know how many female friends your guy would have? All you can do is speculate. "Must be just a friend!" "I am acting too possesive. Should give him some space" All you, my dear friend, would do is swallow up that doubt with a big pinch of salt. But he would choose to act possesive or not at his own will. I can go on and on about such "boyfriends" here. As of now, I have not even started to scratch the surface. But I stop. Because I have more important things to tell you.

I sometimes want to get hold of such girls and shake them till they come to their senses. What do you see in such a guy? I want to ask them. Good looks? Are they not temporary? Is it not the the heart that matters at the end? Why do you want to go through the suffering? What do you exactly enjoy in the tears, the curling up and crying all night? Why cant you not think of times when you had not met him and were happier than ever? Why cant you pick up your life again? What could be so wrong? He is just another guy not giving you enough attention! Why does he still have to be in your thoughts? He at the end of the day was just a human being and not even a good one at that! Allow yourself to hatred girls! Allow yourself to go on and show them that you have a life much better than theirs. Stop feeling like "suffering in silence damsels in distress" and saying "I am incapable of hating him." Instead go out with your head and middle finger held high and show off your abuse word bank to the fuck head!

Do yourself and your family a favor girls. Enjoy some more. Even if firstly you don't feel like it. It is any day better than sitting at home all alone and either googling about sleeping pills or strength testing your dupattats and fans. Nobody and I say this with all my Oprah Winfrey heart (because right now I am feeling like her!) nobody is worth your tears.Nobody is worth obsessively thinking about 24X7! Nobody is even worth a frown on that pretty forehead. You HAVE a life lady and please don't forget that. Live it and love it. Someday , you will look back and laugh at your Devdasini phase. Just don't give up hope until then.

May there be lots of love in this world.

Never fall in love with a poet...

Never fall in love with a poet
for their words are sometimes lies
on occasions they're a shield
on occasions a disguise

They will take you on a journey
upon which they bare their soul
in a bid to ease your burdens
in a bid to make you whole

But in every word they choose
for the stories that they tell
lies a little piece of heaven
and a little piece of hell

Tormented souls we poets are
sometimes quite broken and despaired
in search of lost expressions
missed by others who once cared

Never fall in love with a poet
unless you're prepared to share their pain
to hold them close on the darkest nights
over and again

---A Thomas Hawkins

Where would you rather be?

Would you be at home, cuddled with your Mom
fighting over a remote with your Father
throwing a pillow at your sister and laughing about it?
Or would you rather be sitting alone?

Where would you rather be?
on a lonely bench in between a green park?
or a beach with nothing but calming waves and cool air
Would you rather be running around
Living life on the edge?
not knowing what is to happen the next moment?

Or would you seek assurance in familiarity?
the same blanket of relief, the sanctury of home?
would you not rather be with friends, laughing, joking
remember old days?

I? I would love to be where the heart is
where passion follows and love leaps
where smiles are easy and hugs are free
I would love to be where ever you are with me.

Rant!!

There was this team I used to work with. A part of it, I was handling single handed. I was moved out of that team. Part of it was my insistence and part circumstances. Gist being, as I write this now, I am no longer a part of that team. People still come to me with issues from the previous team and I oblige, again, partly out of good will and partly to have the satisfaction of solving a problem. When I was moved from this team to another, there was a FORMAL meeting to plan how things will work. Even after all this, I still get mails keeping everyone in loop, asking me to close defects.
My first reaction was that of anger. "How many times does he need to be told that I don't work in this team anymore" I muttered under my breath! Next , I wanted to do a "reply all" to that mail, stating the same , but worded a tad bit decently. I obviously didn't do that which got me thinking ... "What if we could live in a world where all that a person speaks is the truth and says it with all honesty? Even though it sounded humongously rude?"

Of course, it would be a bad place to live in! But I sometimes really want to do that. Somehow I am not very diplomatic. If I don't like a person, it comes in my behavior and if it is a very bad day for me and the other party, I say something super rude. The best and only solution I have is to shut myself up -- in every way. So I don't show up and even if I do, I don't really talk. And seriously, its better that way .. isn't it? I mean, I will definitely hurt someone if I say something really wrong ..Won't I? And all this may be only because of certain misunderstandings and prejudices I am harboring within me. I might not want to clear those misunderstandings, for whatever reasons, but its better that the other party "assumes" something is wrong in my behavior and bids me a mental adieu. Intelligent people get my clue and side themselves from me and I go on living my life with people I know, love and like.

Honestly, I am not here to get myself loved and liked by every Tom/Dick and Harry and their female versions. All that matters is that I don't hurt anyone in my social filtering process, even if that is the person I hate -- because however bad I can be, I can never smile at someone's tears, especially when I have given them. Thus .. seclusion seems to be the best way out.

Of course I am saying this knowing fully well that such a kind of behavior can render me friendless. But, Is it not better to be alone than be surrounded by people who you don't find worth hanging around with? And as I have always maintained, being alone does not being lonely.

This post is probably the most negative one I have written in days. Something is very very wrong with me!!

Gippi -- We are like this only!!!

Gippi -- The reviews will tell you that it is a very hollywood movie. You would want to agree on that --beacuse it is. The reviews will tell you that the movie is about teenagers who act like grown ups and this might not go very well with the audience. They will also tell you that not every teen is like what has been portrayed in the movie. You would want to agree on that as well. But there are somethings the reviews will not tell you, which is, if you were not the prettiest topper in your class in school, then Gippi is your story. Gippi is any ordinary girl. She is me! She is no achiever, she does not dress perfectly , she prefers munching on a chocolate cake rather than going to the gym and has her fair share of embarrassing moments. She laughs, gets irritated, falls all over, gets insulted and yet shows up to school the next day!

Gippi reminded me of three things I had completely forgotten. First -- School elections. I actually had to rack my brains to remember how were elections conducted in my school. Second, the doodlings at the back pages of my copies. ( I will still call it a copy, because that's what I have grown up calling it and not notebook , unlike most of you) Since I had no name to make hearts around in my school days (Thank God!!) , I used to do calculations, write funny things, scribble my name and forge Tiwari ji's signature (No, please don't take me wrong. I used to feel proud because I was able to write like him) and last but not the least, the magical, mad feeling of developing a crush. The part where Gippi comes back after meeting Arjun was, in my opinion, the best part of the movie. The foolish smile, that stupid happy feeling for no real reason and that disturbance you feel when someone else talks to you, disrupting your beautiful chain of thoughts -- it all came rushing back to me. The background track for this part, halke se yoon beh raha has become my new favorite song.

The mother daughter moments were extremely believable and beautiful. That, at the age of 14, a daughter tells her mother, "Mom , you can always talk to me", or when she holds her hand when her mother is going through a tough time, goes on to show how wonderful daughters are when they grow up to be the right people. The dialogues, as already pointed out by many reviews are very hollywood-ish, but probably the reviewers forget that this is the way teenagers of 2013 speak. I never ever said "He is so HOT!!" at the age of 14 and had I heard it somewhere, I would have thought that "He" is down with fever! Had I been a 14 year old and met a boy from my school from the XIIth Standard, I would have called him Bhaiyya and would have never ever even attempted to have thought of him in any other way. But that was me growing up in the 90's in a small town of Bhopal and this is Gippi in the 2013, growing up in a hep school of Shimla.

The best part of Gippi is that it reminds you to be yourself. Maybe improve , but never to be someone else. And you know what they say, "When you are happy with yourself, only then can you be happy with others." You may be too fat or too thin, you, like me , might have pined for that "first in class" badge and never got it. You may not be the most talented person around, but you being you makes you the most special!

This movie might not be the best release in sometime,but it is definitely worth a watch, especially if you are a chick flick lover like me!!

Motherhood

I may be the worst mother in the world. No, I don't hate my kids. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish them away. Sometimes, I want peace ..maybe just for a few moments. I want to read a book without having to attend to two wailing , crying children. I want to sleep peacefully ...not catch up with a quick nap and wake up with a start to find out that one has probably pushed another and the other is now nursing a bleeding knee -- a situation when it is difficult to decide whom to whack, if that was an option at all!

Unlike many other women, I was scared to death when I realized I was pregnant. My fear knew no bounds when I realized I was expecting twins. Suddenly, my husband and I were not the cool couple who could go out anywhere and anytime they wanted to. My children did bring a lot of joy in my life. For a fraction of second when someone asks a silly question (Mom, Why do you and dad live together, Mom, why is the moon following me, Can I color the leaves blue mama? ) or when I have small hands wrapped around me for a hug. It seems beautiful like a dream. But then it all crashes down and hits the floor with a thud!! After sometime one has spilled milk on the new table cloth and the other is barfing away all his food to glory.

Maybe, my kids are special -- special in creating a ruckus everywhere they go. Despite many lessons, in every way a lesson can be given, the son ends up getting a note from his teacher, talking about how hyperactive he is. The daughter is a tad bit behaved , at least when it comes to behaving in public. Thankfully! At home however, she is brash and rowdy. Once she came to me with the weirdest statement I was to hear in my 30 years of life. "Mom, there is cake in my ear! " She said. "You have a what, where"? I asked, baffled!

"A cake in my ear."

Just to be sure, I checked. And sure enough, my little girl was right. There it was, a tiny piece of chocolate cake in her ear.

"Baby?", I turned her towards me and sat to her level. " Why is there cake in your ear?" I asked her, half amused, half angry and shocked.

"I gave my ear a little piece of my friend's birthday cake." She said.

"The birthday you went in yesterday?"

"Yes", she said , completely nonchalant.

"So this piece of cake was in your ear since last evening?"

"Hmm Hmm"

I took a deep breath. "Why did you 'give a little piece' of cake to your ear, sweety?" I asked, with the most honest curiosity and concern.

"We give our mouths food to eat. But we never give anything to our ears. They must feel hungry too, won't they?" She asked.

I was not sure if I should be shocked anymore.


It's difficult to bring up children, specially when you realize that you are not only raising children. You are dealing with two individuals, of minds and personalities of their own and every little decision you take, concerning them or even yourself, will shape their course and make the adults that they will be. Parent hood has its own ups and downs.But this is not a job where you can slack ...even for a moment, because obviously you responsible for an entire human life. Or as in my case, two.

That's the pressure that sometimes I just cannot take. and maybe that's why I am the worst mother in the world. I think I must go ... I hear screeching and wailing noises ... why do they sound so familiar?


Addendum : Ok .. This is seriously funny!! I have had TWO of my really good friends asking me if that is me in the "I" of that post !! S here is the real deal -- this incident is something which I discussed me with my sister and the cake incident is a dialouge between her and her daughter Lona. Only, in reality there was a samosa in her ear! I hope things are clear now :)

Where are the Heroes?

Vijender Singh apparently took drugs some 12 odd times, Oscar Pistorius has been accused of murdering his girlfriend and Lance Armstrong for sure had been fooling the world for all these years. He even had the audacity of writing "Its not about the bike" projecting himself as the survivor who won or the winner who survived. Unfortunately, in this very blog, I had expressed a desire to have a cup of tea with Armstrong , so that I can know exactly how a winner prepares. I still want to have that cup of tea with him and ask him ... Why?


Why was winning so important that you had to sell your soul for it? And how exactly did you manage to look at your own self in the mirror and meet the eye? Does it not pinch? Did you really celebrate all those 17 victories? Did you ever ask yourself, "Do I really deserve this -- the accolades, the hero worship, the fan following, all the youth who look up to me.. Am I really up there? Or am I down below, having stooped to the level of losing the last figment of conscience and shame, supposed to be present in a decent human being?"

I am angry and disappointed. I am no sport person. But I really look up to these people, in awe of their strength, both mental and physical, sometimes the former being a tad bit more than the latter. Then, out of nowhere news like these about sports persons shatters their image in my head. Although nothing has been proven about Vijender Singh, yet I think, "There is no smoke without fire".

The youth today needs a hero in India. We all need heroes in India. More specifically, we need heroes who live with an untarnished image all their lives. How difficult is it to live an honest life? To not dope, kill, not cheat your spouse? Or even if it is difficult to remain chaste, why project the wrong image? Is it not always good to come clean? I admire Arvind Kejriwal -- but now I am scared he will come out with his set of controversies. I am also in awe of Sachin Tendulkar, but again, who knows what goes inside the dressing room?

Every time a similar controversy crops up, it shakes my faith in the rest of the ‘heroes’. They are the people who with perseverance and grit achieve something that most of us only dream about. They have hoards of youngsters following them on the sports field, wanting to grow up and be like them. Every lane in India has kids playing cricket to the likes of Dravid or Sachin. They have fans who spend days and hours sitting at the edge of their seats to just watch them make that one century or score that goal or win that race. Thanks to Vijender Singh, many like him could dream of another sport being given more if not equal respect than cricket in India. Now, the same person stands with head hung in shame and so does the name of an entire sport.

And then there are the other set of people like Raghu and Ranvijay, who for some unknown reason are the self-proclaimed judges of youth today and all I can see them teaching the younger generation is anger, aggression and lots and lots and lots of swear words. I am left with actors like SRK who carry arrogance as their halo. Actors anyway are better left with their fictional characters. I am left with politicians who love mudslinging on each other as opposed to competitors like Obama and Romney who, with all their dignity, respect their opposition -- at least in media. Leaders who instead of guiding the nation towards prosperity are too busy filling their own bank accounts.

There is far too much of negativity surrounding us than probably needed. The news papers are full of scams, rapes, violence and bitterness. All the tv soaps air some manipulative crooks or family feuds or betrayed relationships. Sports was one place people would play fair or with ‘sportsman spirit’ as it was called. But I guess, they too have sold their spirits now and joined the bandwagon. In this scenario, where does one look for goodness, where do you seek something more stimulating and encouraging.

We deserve to be happy, we deserve to listen to good news, and we deserve a more constructive environment that motivates us to improve our lives. Maybe for all this we have to stop looking outside. Maybe we have to stop searching for heroes. Maybe we have to stop waiting for others to inspire us. Maybe it’s time we enthuse ourselves to do something bigger and better. Maybe it’s time to look within and see how each and everyone of us can be a role model, without being swayed by debauchery.

PS: Ambika!! Thank you for the corrections/additions!! :)